LAME!

I'm having a pregnant woman moment, minus the whole fetus inside me bit... wow, that sounded completely awkward. What I'm trying to say is that ever since going to Pinkberry while I was in New York, the thought of any other ice cream/fro-yo will not suffice. There is a Coldstone less than 2 minutes from me, but that won't hit the spot. I just looked up Pinkberry's store locations and my two options are California or New York. I'm so crushed! My friend is coming to visit me from NYC this weekend, I wonder if she could get it to go and pack it in a cooler with dry ice. That's how much I want this stuff right now. It's so pathetic. They really need to open more stores further south, I don't know how I'll be able to handle the withdrawl over the next couple of months. It's so good. I'm so in love with their green tea soft serve. I like that it's tart and tangy, ice cream is too sweet anyway. Plus it's only 25 calories so honestly how can you not love it. It's not even bad for you. I can't wait until I am reunited with this place, honestly, I miss it so much I'm writing a ridiculous post about it and that is pretty sad.

My super sweet 21st.

I'm not going to go into detail... I'm just going to bullet point some highlights and suggest places to go next time you find yourself in the Big Apple. It was probably one of the most fun long weekends I've had in awhile.

- I was walking down the street with a couple of friends and ran into Sean Paul on a photoshoot right around the corner from where I was staying. It was random and fun and very characteristically New York.

- Nasser didn't tell me he was coming and I just figured he couldn't because of work, but he surprised me at the last minute and came up with a few friends. I was pretty excited.

- Some places we loved include but aren't limited to: Sing Sing Karoke, Oh! Taisho (if you go, order a peach oolong tea), Village Lantern (go there on a Colin Kane night - he's hilarious), and Babouche

- We broke a freaking key trying to open a bottle of beer sealed like wine

- Everybody is hot. Even the guys that work at Whole Foods which makes my grocery experience at Wegmans back at home a very sad one now that I know better. But seriously, everyone is so so nice - it's hard not to fall in love with all the people you meet. Even the nerds at the Apple store were hot. Woe is life in VA.

- All the food is good. We even went to the gyro/falafel man on Broadway and his food was delicious though seemingly sketchy

- Plans to go back come Winter are underway. I think I'm officially in love with this city.

I am sooooo pumped for this football season.

I don't think it's just me. Everyone I've talked to seriously cannot wait to step into Lane Stadium again and rush Worsham field. I feel like this is going to be a great football year. We've got some amazing new talent coming in. I'm pretty excited to see how Frank Beamer chooses to mold these new guys. I don't care what he does so long as Sean Glennon is no longer our quarter back.

Macbook woes...

I've been searching for a computer for the past couple of weeks. My old one kind of bit the dust, hard. Anyway, I've had my heart set on a Mac for awhile. I figure it's a good time to switch it up. I'm sick of my PC. Apparently Macs are pretty freaking popular these days. So popular that they've been sold out for the past 3 days in Northern Virginia. SERIOUSLY?! Even after they are replenished with new shipments every few days, it's almost impossible to get your hands on one unless you are at the Apple store just waiting for it. So today I decided to skip the hassle since I was completely unsuccessful in the store and just call them directly and order. That was probably the best idea ever. There was no hassle and they were SO helpful. I got my new Macbook Pro and iPod in less than 20 minutes. It's being shipped right now. Awesome customer service, I totally recommend calling rather than stalking the Apple store if you're looking to score one of these.

A concert for VT

My friend Heather sent me an e-mail today with some great news. Dave Matthews, John Mayer, Phil Vassar, and Nas are going to be playing a free concert at Tech for members of the VT community on September 6th. It will be held in Lane Stadium which I think is absolutely perfect. The last time all of us were in the stadium was for convocation. Our football coach cancelled the Spring game in light of what happened so the most recent memory that most of us have in there is a sad one. I think that having this concert there is such a good idea. This concert is such a wonderful gesture. Let me be the first to say that we are all incredibly excited and also very thankful.

Official announcement: click here

Some more VT news

Word on the street is that the ICTAS building that is under construction and was during the time of the shootings will be named Librescu Hall. Those are the rumors going around right now but I really hope they're true. I know many students will be rallying behind this cause. Professor Librescu was an awe-inspiring and humble man. I can't think of anybody else more deserving of such an honor. I really hope he gets this.

Lovely cover of Elliott Smith's "Between the Bars"

I really love this song. Recently, I've been listening to a lot of Elliott Smith tribute CDs and I really liked Emily Haines singing this song. I use to lay on the drillfield after a night out staring at the stars and sing this song with friends. I should probably start doing that again as it was a great way to end the night. Anyway, hope you enjoy...

Reflecting

And you know as well as I do, one of these days he's gonna open up a bottle
of white wine for you when you really prefer red, except you never told him
that; and you wanna know why? It's because he's not right for you.
-JD

On going to New York in a few days...

- I can't wait to find myself a temporary gay boyfriend
- I am excited to see Kathryn & Danielle
- I'm even more excited that a couple of my friends are making their way up to celebrate with me
- I can finally get a horizontal license
- I can legally say "Yes" to downtown

New VT Memorial

On August 19th, the day before school starts, VT will officially unveil the new memorial construction project that has been going on all summer. It's a permanent place that stays true to the student made memorial site that was made the week April 16th. The original stones will be given to the families of the victims. I think this is a wonderful tribute to our friends that have passed. I also really like how they decided to keep it in the same location on the drillfield. Right in front of Buruss hall and kind of central to everything. From the architect's computer simulation of it, I think it looks really great. I can't wait to see it in person. I think I'll have my dad come to the dedication with me.

In the news...

-Michael Vick (VA Tech alum) pleads not guilty to dog fighting. Honestly, I have mixed feelings about the Vicks. They are AMAZING football players. There's no doubt about that. Seriously, they come near a football and your school is guaranteed to be on it's way to Nationals. Both brothers have done so much for Tech sports and we love them for that, but seriously, what is up with getting accused of everything in the book?! Michael is the highest paid quarterback in the league, why resort to other illegal activities? I just don't get it - he has everything! Anyway, I guess I'm just interested in how this will all work out. It's such a peculiar news topic. Dog fighting? I didn't know people still did that.

- In other sad and sport related news, Wake Forest's basketball coach Skip Prosser passed away today as a result of a heart attack. I was lucky enough to attend a couple of Wake basketball games in the past couple of years. The most memorable one was their home game against a Florida school (I can't remember which one, maybe FSU). I had 3rd row seats and the dream team was playing. Chris Paul, Eric Williams, Justin Grey etc. They were absolutely amazing and won the game which paved the way for their advancement in March Madness. From the few times I saw him in action, I could tell he was full of passion and really loved his team as well as his fans. Honestly, the Wake basketball games the last year that Paul played were the best I've ever seen. Everyone worked so well with one another and the games were insanely exciting. If there's one thing I would keep with me, it would be how I felt at a Deamon Deacon game in the presence of Skip Prosser. It just won't be the same without him, but they're a strong bunch. We at Tech know a thing or two about loss and I have confidence that this bunch will be able to bounce back - the spirit that's there would not allow otherwise.

County Fair?

sure, why not?

In all the years I've lived here I have yet to go to the county fair, nor have I even been aware that one existed until today. My good friend Heather who lives on the western side of the county invited me out tonight and after being a hermit for the past week, I took her up on her offer. Our friend Nathaniel from school came along with us as he used to live out there too. He wouldn't miss it for the world. Apparently it's was a tradition to go every year when both of them were growing up. Heather told me that she and our friend Kathleen used to show their horses. It's a week long event that ends on a friday with a rodeo which the whole town comes out to see. I had a great time learning about where my friends grew up and the type of things they did. There were naturally a lot of farm animals being showcased. Some of which included, the largest pigs I've ever seen in my life, tons of goats, horses, MINI HORSES (my new favorite), rabbits, and even a camel. It was pretty cool. I'm not use to being in the country but I was glad my friends took me out of my comfort zone and still made me feel like I was at home. It was perfect - just what I needed today. And to make things even better, the weather tonight was PERFECT. We sat on benches eating cotton candy and chatting. I loved it. I noticed how stars are a lot more visible out there... must be nice to see them so clearly all the time. Now, I know why my friends like it out there so much. :)

An Office Space moment

This morning I was driving in my car, windows down because it was a nice day and I put an unmarked CD in. It was a mixed CD from a long time ago and "Damn It Feels Good to be a Gangsta" came on and I was stopped at a red light. I felt so ridiculous. Ha ha ha, me in a car with this song blasting is kind of funny. I started cracking up because the whole scenario was so amazingly bad.

Shameless advertising for an idol of mine...

John "JD/awesome/badass" Boyer has a book out that you can purchase on Amazon. If it's anything like his lectures it will probably just be a fusion of hilarious, awesome, and informative. I'm not saying this just because I think Boyer is awesome - I think this is good for people to have in general just so they can better understand what is going on around them and in the world (of course). Anyway, check it out if you get the chance! You won't regret it.

Ailey, Baldwin, Floyd, Killens, and Mayfield by Maya Angelou

When great trees fall,
rocks on distant hills
shudder,
lions hunker down
in tall grasses,
and even
elephants
lumber after safety.

When great trees fall
in forests,
small things
recoil into silence,
their senses
eroded beyond fear.

When great souls die,
the air around us
becomes
light, rare, sterile.
We breathe, briefly.
Our eyes,
briefly,
see with
a hurtful clarity.
Our memory, suddenly
sharpened,
examines,
gnaws on kind words
unsaid,
promised
walks
never taken.

Great souls die and
our reality, bound to
them,
takes leave of us.
Our souls,
dependent upon their
nurture,
now
shrink, wizened.
Our minds, formed
and informed by
their
radiance,
fall away.
We are not so much maddened
as reduced to
the unutterable ignorance
of dark, cold
caves.

And when great souls die,
after a period peace
blooms,
slowly and always
irregularly. Spaces fill
with a kind
of
soothing electric vibration.
Our senses, restored, never
to be the
same, whisper to us.
They existed. They existed.
We can be. Be and
be
better. For they existed.

I've been so attached to this poem lately. I read and re-read it pretty often. It's been 3 months and it doesn't feel like it at all. 7:30pm is when I found out - I think about it the 16th of every month. Is that normal?! I can't stand the sound of sirens which I guess is a natural reaction. They're not coming back. They're REALLY not coming back and that's completely unbelievable to me. I've been trying to stay positive - trying not to dwell on this too much but in reality I haven't really been my normal self in months. I know it's like that for a lot of people too. I guess this is just the way things are supposed to be right now. In refrencing Angelou's poem... I think I am hovering at the second to last stanza as far as how I am feeling right now. Just not completely 100% myself and not yet ready to let go. I don't like faking it anymore, I'm sad and I'm still not okay with what happened. I'm going back to Tech in a couple of weeks just to prep my house for move in. I want to bring some stuff there ahead of time and maybe paint a bit. I also think a trip to the stones is long overdue. There are less people there in the summer so it'll be good to go to Stack's stone and reflect without too many people watching. I'm bringing him flowers, I've decided that. I don't even know what type of flowers he likes... it bothers me because that's something I wish I would have had the time to figure out. Instead, I guess I'm going to go with lillies because they're my favorite. This is the only place where he is tangible - a stone. It makes me think of the song "A Stone" by Okkervil River... "You love a stone, because it’s dark, and it’s old, and if it could start being alive you’d stop living alone. " Look up the lyrics, you'll see what I mean...

Random things here and there...

On my way back to the states after a week in DR, my plane was delayed from DR to Miami (where I had a connection to Dulles) which made me miss my flight home. As a result, my trip home was delayed a day and a half since Dulles Airport is such a common place to go and all flights were booked for a whole day (bitter? just a little). They paid for my hotel and all that jazz and I did get to spend a day exploring Miami so that was nice. I opted for a boat trip which was fun - I got to see Star Island. Did you know Vanilla Ice lives there?! Random. I also took a cab to South beach. It was okay - gorgeous beach, gaudy people. Don't get me wrong, I met a lot of nice people, but there was a handfull that were overly flashy. I don't see too much of that in Virginia or DC so it was different. I got to go by the Versace mansion and it was gorgeous. I thought it was a very awkward location for a house like that, it's pretty much smack in the middle of the strip which is odd. It's very public domain -- still beautiful regardless.

Anyway, somehow between getting stuck in Miami for a day and flying back home, I got sick. I don't know if it's a cold, or if it's the flu. All I know is that I'm congested and my head feels like a balloon and it feels like my nose is on fire. Not so fun. I don't know how I got sick. It sucks, but I guess it came at a good time. I've been keeping myself medicated and I've been drinking a lot of tea. Hopefully it helps and hopefully I'll be 100% soon. I hate being sick in general but even moreso in the summer because the weather is so nice out and I hate not being active and not being social. Oh well, I guess I should stop complaining, things could be worse right? I'll just wait this one out.

I went to Ikea the other day to pick up a couple of things - I forgot how much fun that place was. I wanted to buy everything in sight. Good news is... I didn't. :)

Justin called last night at 2:30am and left a joint message with Sagar that teased me for being asleep "so early." They then proceeded to tell me I was lame. Haha, drunk messages still?! Come on guys. As annoying as it was to have the phone right not once but twice when I was sick and trying to sleep... the message was funny and I appreciated it. Just don't make it a nightly thing guys... :P

I also got a letter from Tommy in the mail which was great! He's currently at bootcamp for the army (well... he wrote on Army stationary so I'm guessing that's what he's there for - I should probably be a better friend and find out for sure). Anyway, I've known him since High School and we ended up at the same college. He was in the ROTC his first year and at Tech if you're a freshman and an ROTC member that pretty much means your life sucks nonstop for a whole year. They've got it bad. I'm talking 30 second showers, all these crazy rules etc etc. It's just not fun. I remember letting him come to my room just so he could watch some TV or just letting him use the dorm shower. You get the picture - it's just not fun. Anyway, reading his letters kind of brings me back to Freshman year - the stuff he writes about going through makes me feel so bad for him. He has a way of making his misery so humerous. I love reading his letters for this reason. Also, I love writing and getting letters. They're so much better than e-mail so I think that's why I get so excited when I hear from him. I can't wait to see him back at school - it should be a fun reunion as both of us will have post summer birthdays to celebrate. He is like the big brother I always wish I had and I miss having him around. Oh well... soon enough right? Soon enough.

In other news... I'm going to New York in a little over a weekish to reunite with one of my best friends in the world/celebrate another lap around the sun (translation it's my birthday) and I couldn't be more excited!

More notes on the DR trip:

- European men LOVE their speedos, everyone was wearing them and the few europeans that wern't were in tiny swim trunks... The older the men were, the more neon their speedo color choices. It was interesting to say the least.

- European women don't have to be in Europe to go topless. They play by their rules, EVERYWHERE.

- Red lights are just suggestions to "watch out" after 9pm according to the taxi driver. He said it was the law. I was SO sketched out.

- Dancing + music = 24-7

- They don't believe in the word "no" because I didn't hear anybody say it

- I got to use my French as Haiti is right next door to the DR so it came in handy at the airport and with all of the French people on holiday.

- I was one of four Americans, I felt like I was in the South of France

- I decided dinner on the beach is probably one of my favorite things

- The Europeans like their manpris

- Little french kids are really cute...

- Solitude is nice and not knowing anybody is nice too (sometimes)

- Don't drink water south of the US boarder

- I love being surrounded by palm trees

I'm back from my stint in the DR. It was really nice, I've added pictures to Facebook, I think I'll add some to Flickr tomorrow or whenever I get the chance. There's so much to say about my experience there I don't even know where to begin.

I guess really, it was very simple and I really needed that. The clock in my room was blinking 12:00 when I got there. I never bothered to set it to the correct time. I got lost in the day and didn't have a sense of time. It really didn't matter to me, I just wanted to come and go as I pleased, explore the surrounding area, go to the beach, take naps under palm trees. The concept of time just wasn't important. I've spent the whole year planning my day down to the minute - I had a rough schedule during the school year and couldn't afford to be late, ever so it was just really nice to not have to worry about being somewhere.

I also didn't bring my cellphone with me which was another great life choice. Don't get me wrong, there's NOTHING I love more than hearing from friends - it was just nice to have that time to myself. I think I'm going to start leaving my cellphone at home when I go to lunch or dinner so my time with people I go to eat with isn't interrupted by ringing or calls that I "have to take." In actuality, these calls can probably wait. I think we're programmed to feel a sense of urgency when the phone rings... It's very Pavlovian of us which is sad really, it really redefines what personal interaction really is and it's unsettling.

That's it for now... I'm exhausted... I should probably sleep for real. I guess as the week unfolds I'll write more about the trip and post pictures and work on some sort of clip to post to vimeo.

Over and out.

Day 1

both my flights were delayed yesterday so I didn't actually end up getting here until 2am

the taxi driver waited for 2 hours at the airport... now that's service
he was also the nicest man alive

the drive was so sketchy, they don't have street lights and most people on motorcycles don't drive with their tail lights on... let's just say there's a lot of dodging... it's like a video game
good thing the taxi driver knew the roads well, i was pretty scared

the resort is insane. super gorgeous! the staff is beyond accomidating and they are all so nice.
the food thus far has been delicious
but the highlight has really been the drinks... it's ridiculous everywhere you go there's a bartender, on the beach... in the pool... walking along random sidewalks in the resort... in the lobby... seriously, it's crazy. so far so good...

signing off, more updates later!

DOMINICAN REPUBLIC BOUNNNND!

As of this time tomorrow, I will be in the Dominican Republic! I've never been there before so I am extremely excited. I've heard some great things from friends. Stay tuned for pictures and video clips. I think I'll try to document my trip there this time around and try to figure out how to use the editing software on my computer. The great thing about this trip is that my bar tab was included in my ticket (good call on my part) and I think I will certainly be putting those priveleges to use. I'm all smiles - I really can't wait. Here's a link to the resort just in case you're looking to get away for awhile. Looks great in pictures, hopefully it's that beautiful in person. I'll post an update when I get back.

Yessss!

Tony has archived our Sophomore year on his photo site and I went and looked at the pictures today. I think I laughed for about an hour. It brought back a lot of memories and it also made me realize how glad I am to have slowed down since then.

http://community.webshots.com/user/tdihmes

It begins with the album "Team Fun: taking blacksburg" and then ends with "End of the year wine party."

Those were some really crazy times, I don't think I'd be able to keep up now. I'm not sure if I would want to even if I could. We don't hang out nearly as much as a group anymore - don't get me wrong we still see each other all the time, it's just I don't think anyone really has that much "party" left in them. It's good to notice by looking through all these pictures that we've all grown so much since then.

From time to time I bust out my hokie gear - I do this more so at school than I do when I'm home, but as of late whenever I'm wearing anything virginia tech related people always ask about what happened/if I knew anyone. Luckily so far people have been very polite about it, plus there are a ton of Hokies in northern Virginia which is great - you have extended family everywhere you turn and it makes things easier to talk about because they can all relate. It's amazing. Anyway, I find that every time I talk about Stack or when I tell stories about him, the first thing that always comes out of my mouth is, "he had a heart the size of a mack truck." Reading that just made me smile. It makes me so happy to know that such an amazing person even existed and it reminds me how much better off I am for knowing someone like that. Even in death he still has such a large impact on the people that knew him. My friends say when they drive around the drillfield, they always have an urge to park and walk up to the 32 stones, sit there and talk to him or just reflect. They say they always feel better afterwards - it makes sense. Even though he's not around anymore, just the thought of him can make anyone smile. I think in the future, this is where I'll go at night to clear my head. I carry a picture of him in my wallet... well it's more like a cigarette case turned credit card holder because I don't smoke... ha. It's so good to see his infamous smile constantly throughout the day. It makes it so it doesn't feel like he's so far away. They're never too far away.

random but necessary...

How amazing was the Federer v. Nader match this morning? Seriously... it was really great to watch. Finally Federer plays against somebody who actually has the ability to beat him. I forget which set it was, I think 2nd or 3rd where Nader hit that amazing shot while falling/sitting down and we see the ball hit the line and it's in. The competition was SO good... I was secretly rooting for Nader... but Federer was over the top amazing. He deserved the win. I wish all tennis matches were this exciting. After watching this particular match, I've decided that I need to be a spectator at Wimbledon at some point in my life, preferably sooner than later.

You stay classy, VT!

I got an e-mail today from the psyc department in regards to this year's football game. It's obvious that the first home game will be an emotional one. There has already been talk about turning it into a Hokies United game where everyone wears their HU shirts. I know I'll be wearing mine proudly. On that note, the e-mail served as a reminder that "all eyes will be on us" and that we should continue to conduct ourselves with class just as we did when tragedy struck. Lane Stadium at Virginia tech is notoriously known as one of the toughest places for opposing teams to play, but instead of booing the other team when they run out on our field this year, we should cheer. Why? Because for one day, they were Hokies - they felt our pain, and were quick to offer overwhelming support. You wouldn't boo another Hokie would you? I thought it was really great that the psyc department sent this out - I hope others feel the same way. That doesn't mean that we can't get rowdy during the game, I think in respect for the game, and for those who support us the least we can do is show our respect for people who have helped us so much. Great idea Psyc department!

Oh PS... GET EXCITED because ESPN's Game Day crew are kicking off their season debut at VT's first home game. Tune in as it will probably be amazing.

All this talk of VT football is really making me anticipate my return to campus and to Lane stadium. :)

Speaking of returning to campus... I just bought entirely way too many things for my room. I've lived in the townhouse for a year and it's nice, but I think a few extra touches here and there will make it a lot more comfortable. I have a pretty comfortable bed at school but it does not compare to the one I have at home so I went out and bought a ton of mattress pads/toppers and some jersey sheets today. The dangerous thing about this is a) never wanting to get out of bed and b) not being able to study in bed ever. Haha, I'm okay with that. Other random touches include new curtains, and lamps, and bathroom rugs, and wall art. I decided to go with black and white photos of all things that remind me of New York... why? Because Mike L's perfect black and white picture of the b-bridge in New York is already up and hanging in my room. I figured just to take that and run with it so I purchased more black and whites of New York and one of Audrey Hepburn - I'm not sure if I will put them all up, but it's good to have the option. I'm excited to go back and decorate. It'll make the house feel like it's new. Plus, I have new roommates coming in so it'll be nice to see how different the place will look as I am living with girls this time around.

Come over sometime!

"Soon all the joy that pours from everything makes fountains of your eyes
Because you finally understand the movement of a hand waving you goodbye" - Conor Oberst

I popped in "Fevers and Mirrors" while driving today after not having it on rotation for months. As depressing as this CD is, I don't feel depressed when listening to it at all. Years down the road, if anyone ever asks me to describe my musical tastes circa College, I would just tell them I listened to a lot of Bright Eyes. It's very Bob Dylan-esque, very relatable, very raw, and even heartbreaking at times... the newer CDs are a lot more hopeful... I don't know, I've had a lot of things on my mind lately. Recently, death has been a reoccurring theme around me and it just gets you down after awhile you know? How much can you really take before you are completely torn apart? I was really happy rediscovering this CD today I guess because it comforted me plus it reminded me to listen to some of his newer stuff... the song "Going for the Gold" came on and I just loved the last verse... "I know a girl who cries when she practices violin/Because each note sounds so pure/It just cuts into her/And then the melody comes pouring out her eyes/Now to me, everything else, it just sounds like a lie" I guess if anything, it really reminded me to focus more on the things that are important to me and forget the rest. I should live to the point of tears to really appreciate the beauty in life and the places and people that surround me.

I suppose that was my big "wow" moment of the day.
Sorry if I sound a bit bias towards Bright Eyes, I swear they are not paying me to say good things about them - a friend of mine actually plays violin and tours with them so hearing his part(s) in the songs always makes me happy.

A few things...

- After attempting to resist the Wii, I finally broke down and played it a few days ago. It's pretty much amazing. I especially liked the tennis game. Dare I say, I may even like it more than guitar hero? I think I might.

- I'm still listening to John Legend on repeat.

- I've decided to get a Macbook Pro. I hope it's good to me. I'm kind of excited to figure out how this iChat works. I've heard good things.

- I'm really craving a Bollo's pumpking chocolate chip muffin. I can't wait to go back to school so I can get one.

- I missed Andrew Bird when he was playing at the 9:30 club, but he is going to be in Asheville, North Carolina Sept 11. Yes, it's a Tuesday, but it's ANDREW BIRD! If I don't have an exam the next day... I'm going. This reminds me of the time Josh, Drew, and I drove down to North Carolina for a Bright Eyes concert the day before finals. It was super spontaneous, and SO worth it... we didn't get back until 4am and I actually studied in the car on the way there and back... and by some miracle pulled of an A on the final and in the class so the lesson learned here is.. exam or not, carpe diem and just do it because it's so worth it.

:/

Life is so fragile. Say it out loud to yourself and give it a few seconds to sink in. One of my very good friends came to me today with some bad news. One of her friends had passed away. My heart just sank. I know what it feels like to get the news. I know what it's like to have your world stop. And as cliche as it sounds, that's what really happens. Your brain kind of just freezes, you start to shake, and you're overcome with disbelief - nothing in the world matters as much to you at that moment than that person. Everything else is just a detail to you - people, objects, etc. She is one of my closest friends and I just hate to see her so broken. When the whole incident at Tech occured, she insisted that I come and spend a night at her place before driving home. Luckily, she goes to school 2 hours away from me so that was entirely possible. I did, and there was nothing I needed more than to be with a friend at that moment. I hope I can be as strong for her now as she was for me three months ago. I guess in times like these you really begin to fully grasp how ephemeral everything is. All you can really do is be with your friends so you can help each other through the hard times to come.

"to live in the hearts we leave behind is not to die"
- thomas campbell

Currently Obsessed
I know this is a little after the fact since this was released awhile ago but I'm pretty much in lust with this album right now. I'm not sure if I'm in love with it yet - time will tell. It's really sexy and breezy. I feel like I could play this while cooking with the windows open or have this on rotation while on a road trip. He's really great. If you haven't listened to him yet check him out here and if you like what you hear, but his CD here. Favorite tracks so far include "Save Room" and "P.D.A. (We just don't care)." It's actually all really easy listening - I now I have a crush on his voice.

Oh PS: CNN has a new layout on their website!!!

I like it a lot. It's easier to navigate and it's less cluttered. They got rid of a lot of the lines.

I guess that's not really news, but I pay attention to these sorts of things.

I can't stop crying tonight. I miss them so so much. There was a point a couple weeks back when I realized I wasn't crying myself to sleep anymore over this. I thought it was progress... I don't know what the deal is with tonight, but it's so draining both physically and emotionally. I think it's all because I have much more time on my hands now then when I was at school so I have more time to think about these things. It's so tough and sometimes I wish the tears would just stop. To be able to do that physically you'd have to dehydrate yourself which in turn would just land you in the hospital hooked up to an IV. If those are my choices, I choose crying. I just hate that I'm thinking about this too much and over analyzing a situation that I had no control over.

I guess the only thing getting me through this is knowing that they're okay. Okay maybe not knowing for sure, but innately, I feel a sense of peace in regards to where they are. You've seen their profiles and read about them - what better people to be watching over us right? They're presence is still here and it's strong. I constantly see things that remind me of Stack and they make me smile just like he did. I see him in the perfect weather we've been having. I see him in the songs that I hear that make me want to sing along. I see him in the sunshine that kisses my forehead when I step outside in the morning. I see him in the slight breeze that comes into my room when I crack the window open. I see him in myself and in others around me. He's still very much here and I'm thankful that I haven't forgotten that.

"I'm sorry, I can't talk about it."
- everyone at GW

This weekend was jam packed with friends from all over, new friends, and an additional 200+ miles added to my car. I had a blast.

Friday, I met up with an old friend for coffee. He is a physics expert so he offered to help me out and brush me up on Physics when he learned I was studying for the MCAT. I think we're going to do it again soon but I had a lot of fun catching up with him. His brother actually goes to my school so we've been able to keep in touch all these years. He was actually my physics partner in High School and one of the few people I've kept in touch with since going off to college. It was so good seeing him again.

Afterwards, I went to George Washington University because a friend of a friend was having a little gathering. I had a blast. Everybody was extremely nice and outgoing. I never once felt awkward. It was a great crowd to say the least. We walked in and got called out for being too "preppy." I thought it was a little ironic seeing as we were at George Washington. How do you outprep them? And, the funny thing is, we weren't even dressed to the nines or anything. Just normal going out clothes. Jeans and a tank top. No big deal. Anyway, as we made our way in immediately people began to shake our hands and introduce themselves. It was really nice - different to what I'm use to at Tech. The rest of the night was a lot of fun - the weather was perfect, there were people out on the balcony and tons of good drinks to go around (I had my share of gin and tonics). We got to talk to a lot of people and it was so funny because everyone there had top secret summer jobs, clearance, and all that jazz. When you asked, "hey what are you doing this summer?" The normal response would be, I'm sorry I can't talk about it." TYPICAL DC. As weird as it sounds, I felt like I was home. Every time, I think of home what I think of is friends, their parents, neighbors with jobs that nobody can talk about. It was good to be reminded of that. We even rode home on the metro - what is more DC than that? It's good to be back. Even better is the fact that I have new friends to come home to from now on that will help me reacquaint myself with the city.

Saturday was jam packed full of things to do. I woke up surprisingly early (9am) considering I didn't get back to my house until 4am the night before. It was Heather's birthday and she had her party on her farm. It was a lot of fun seeing friends from school again, some of which had driven 5 hours to be there. Even better was that they didn't tell anyone they were coming despite calls to see if they'd show up. It was a complete surprise. I loved it and pretty much did a running jump that ended with a hug when they all arrived. Unfortunately, I had to leave early because I overbooked my weekend and promised some other friends I would be able to meet them in Charlottesville so I had to drive 2 hours which generally isn't a big deal, but I was pretty tired so it was kind of on edge trying to stay alert. I'm talking windows down and music up. I finally made it there a bit after midnight. The girls were still awake so we stayed up talking/catching up/venting about how our past relationships have sucked/funny things that have happened to us and only us throughout the year. "That WOULD happen" and "Seriously?!" were frequently exchanged and very sarcastically so. It was a fun night. I had a blast. That morning, Dave me up with us and by chance he was in Charlottesville and by chance he had moved a few doors down from where Nina lived so we went and got bagels with him. We were still in our PJs which looked semi normal. We tried to pass it off like we were done with our morning runs and that's why we were dressed the way we were. Needless to say, everyone busted out their sunglasses to hide any signs of the night before, even Dave. Breakfast/brunch was a ton of fun. Dave is HILARIOUS and was cracking jokes that whole time. We were laughing nonstop. What a good way to start Sunday morning! Afterwards, we walked back, looking sketchy as usual and he gave us a tour of his house and came back to see Nina's new digs. More laughter ensued there. I had to leave at this point and it was around 11 am so I said my goodbyes and headed 2 hours north. It was a lot of driving to do within 24 hours but completely worth it. I'm so glad I got to see all my friends and spend time with them this weekend. There's nothing I look forward to more.

Anyway, now I'm back after an amazing weekend and ready to hit the books. Hopefully, there are more weekends like this to come.

Thursday's Thoughts...

I was working on some stuff for vimeo today. I didn't fully take advantage of the staff giving me access to beta before it was out and I'm kind of sad I didn't. In all honesty, I really haven't had the time. Anyway, the new version of vimeo launched today and I have to say it's great although there are some kinks. Like the 5 hours that have gone by without my clip transferring. It's still early in the launch... I trust this will be okay soon. Vimeo is really good at getting on the ball with things like this. Anyway, all vimeo talk aside, I was working with some editing software that I've never used and I figured I'd experiment with it by making a clip that was meaningful to me. For some reason, the first song that came to my head to play during the clip was Brett Dennen's "Ain't no reason." It worked perfectly. Anyway, hearing this song all day made me think of the time I saw him in concert this year. Not only was the concert itself amazing but what he stands for is too. At every concert, he chooses a different organization to support and donate some of his proceeds to. What is even more amazing is that the night I saw him, the organization he was with was one that was raising awareness on the genocide going on in Darfur. The real treat that night was actually getting to meet a survivor. I didn't even feel worthy. Seriously, this guy was truly inspiring. I thank Brett Dennen for exposing his audience to people like this. It was probably one of the most important moments in my life. You see it on the news, you hear about it all the time, but you rarely do anything about the situation until it becomes personal. That night, it became personal. I was face to face with someone who had been through so much but managed to not only survive it, but remain strong and focused on changing the current situation. It was an amazing night. Funny how songs can trigger thoughts like this. I've been thinking about the survivior I met all day and how he's doing and if his family is okay.

THOM BROWNE FOR BROOKS BROTHERS!!!!!!!

the man himself sporting his signature look

Yes, I know this is old news. Brooks Brothers announced this awhile ago (click here for the announcement), but I want to bring this up again to point out that Fall '07 is just around the corner which means we'll be seeing Thom's menswear in stores soon! No appointment necessary. I love the idea of launching a laboratory for fashion designers and having them come in and kind of give Brooks Brothers a new twist. I guess they took a hint from Target. Anyway, I'm hoping to see the slimmer fit jackets and smaller lapels that Thom Browne is known for. Actually, I'll go as far as saying I'm all for the alternative slimmer and longer tie as well. I know Browne's signature look are the shorter pants with the cuff but I am not entirely sold on them yet. Then again... I'm not the fashion designer bringing in the bucks so who am I to talk. Honestly, I just don't understand the short pants but hey to each his own. I'm interested to see if Brooks Brother is going to jump on board with the shorter length pants because they're known for classics.

iPhone madness!!!

There are various news sources I came across today reporting that there are people lining up for the iPhone. Seriously?! I mean I know it's a pretty sexy piece of technology and owning one would probably skyrocket your street cred... but is it really worth the $500 price tag? For that much, it better be able to do my laundry. I don't understand the justification behind it. Okay yes, it's cool, really cool. It can do a ton of things, but it is also a first generation gadget... why not wait until all the kinks are worked out? Why be the guinea pig? Additionally, word through the grapevine is that you can drop as much change or significantly less in Korea or Japan etc. and get a phone that not only looks cooler, but does so much more AND is GSM compatible. This leads me to question why there isn't a market in the US for such phones. Obviously the hundreds of people lining the streets in front of Apple stores prove that they are willing to drop serious change on such gadgets. Dear Asia, please bring us into the future and make us cool, bring your stuff over here!

Packing suckkks.

It's no secret that packing is not my forte. I leave it until the last minute. I almost always over pack and even so, I always manage to forget something important (like boots when I went to Boston and it was freezing). This weekend, I'm going out of town for my uncle's engagement party. I'm pretty excited for him, he's the youngest in my mom's family and we've all been waiting for this to happen. Finally. Anyway, I've decided this morning I'm packing all things seersucker and madras. Why? Because you don't have to worry about wrinkles. This idea was my major break through this morning. No more folding clothes, no more trying to figure out how I was going to transport dresses. I was done packing. Too bad these fabrics are seasonal. What am I going to do when I have to pack to go somewhere in the winter?! Anyway, I guess that's all for now, have a great weekend everyone! :)

Open Shutter Photography

Does anybody know how to do this? I think it's pretty neat, especially when there is a focused object at the center of the picture. This is the best example I could find in the "Open Shutter Photo" group on Flickr. There were more than 700 pictures so I skipped a few random pages and found this one. Granted... it's not the best example but you get the idea. So I guess when you leave the shutter open on your camera you get those photos you see of moving objects. I think the result is fantastic As lame as this sounds it would be great to do something like this if the focus is a couple with the rapid movement of cars in the background, no?

Happy Father's Day

Read this father-son team's story.

Has it really been two months?

It's weird because it feels like it was just yesterday, but at the same time, the days seem to pass by so slowly. It's like you're moving in slow motion, just trying to process everything that happened. Your mind plays through the sequence of events, pauses, rewinds, and goes through it again. It's like the tape is broken and you're stuck. You move past it a bit but ultimately go back. I think it's going to be this way for awhile. I'm okay with that.

Pictures these days aren't cutting it anymore. That's all you really have to hold onto, but as grateful as you are for all the wonderful memories that come flooding back - at the end of the day, you're searching for something tangible. You want smiles, hugs, and more good memories. You feel selfish for wanting more when they have already given you so much.

I miss them and days like today make it so hard. I saw on the news that Norris had reopened. For the most part, I think I've come to terms with it. There was some footage of the renovated rooms and you can still see the indentations and marks in the cinder block where the bullets hit. It's a lot to take in all at once - seeing the rooms for the first time with new floors, paint, and ceilings, as if nothing has happened. I don't know how I feel about seeing the new rooms just yet. It will take awhile to hit me which has seemed to be a pretty common theme throughout my whole experience with this situation.

Great Gatsby.

I pulled The Great Gatsby off my bookshelf to reread after seeing this photograph from The Sartorialist. How phenomenal does this gentleman look? It took me awhile to realize he was an older guy. He just has this look down so perfectly. There's nothing that I don't like about this. I think he pulls this look off well because it doesn't seem like he's trying to be something he's not. It does not look like a costume. I imagine him being younger and wearing clothing like this when he was in his 30s. All the proportions on this outfit seem really well played. The length of the rolled up sleeve, the shorter vest with the high waisted trousers. The cuff at the bottom and the white shoes and bow tie to really seal the deal. I love that he went with all neutrals because it makes the tie look so much more dramatic. He looks great. I wonder if by the time I'm his age, I'd be able to put together outfits like this. What a great sense of style.

Today, I saw a picture of a tattoo that this girl got in her boyfriend's memory. He died in his German class on April 16th. It was an orange ribbon with a maroon heart where the ribbon normally crosses. His initials were on one side while the date was on the other.I started to tear up a little. Then, I found out she got it in that particular place because that's where his arm rested on her when they slept. :( I think I actually started crying at this point. It's difficult to think of what should have been. It's heartbreaking, really.

The whole situation is still very hard to deal with. The media focus on the event has ended which I'm pretty thankful for, but the emotions are still pretty raw. I still curl up and cry from time to time. I've been doing it a lot less now, but for awhile it was everyday. It's amazing how many reminders of these people are still here. I was in Reston Town Center the other day for a friend's birthday and I saw a guy who looked almost exactly like Stack walking around with his two kids. It really saddened me. As much as people tell you not to do it, it's hard not to think about what should have been, could have been, or might have been.

There are just so many loose ends and it's hard to find closure. When somebody dies of old age or cancer, family and friends kind of know that it's coming and it doesn't make it less painful, but they can at least prepare themselves for it. In VT's case, lives were abruptly cut short in such a cruel way that it is at times impossible to deal with. I keep going through the last time I saw Stack or Daniel in my head and I just wish I could have hugged them a little tighter, or just stuck around a little longer.

i am awesome.

I'm kind of embarrassed to tell this story, but in retrospect I think it's pretty funny. Two days ago, I woke up to a beeping noise in my house. Without even trying to find out what it was, the first thought that came to my mind was oh crap... it's the carbon monoxide detector. The next thing I did was freak out (obviously). In my head I was like, "ugh, I slept through this, I wonder how long this has been beeping." So then I get a headace and I'm thinking I need to get out of my house. I'm still in my PJs mind you... shorts and a tank and I run downstairs, grab my cellphone, and sprint outside and I start inhaling and exhaling really deeply. You know how you normally look pretty busted in the morning? Yeah that's me, and then add to that a lovely image of me bent over trying to breathe. I'm sure the neighbors really enjoyed this one. Anyway, after I felt like I had gotten enough oxygen in my system, I call my dad and he was all... "Mary, when the smoke detector needs new batteries, it beeps to alert you to replace them."

SUPER. I felt like such a dork. I went back inside and checked the carbon monoxide dectector and it was just sitting there at zero. I don't know why checking the c.monoxide dectector wasn't the first thing that popped into my head to do. And even worse is that I made myself think that I had a headache. Ha ha. I feel so lame now.

This is so random and will probably be less significan to you than it is to me but I had to write it down somewhere so I can go back and look at this one day and be happy about it...

- My "brother" Tommy (he is not my real brother, but I've know him since Middle School and he ended up as the same college as me which is pretty awesome and he calls me sis) is currently at bootcamp in Georgia. I'm guessing this is part of his training for US Marine stuff? Anyway, he sent me a letter today and I got pretty excited because it's GREAT hearing from him. Plus, I LOVE snail mail. Snail mail over e-mail any day for me. I also like writing letters too... even if it takes longer. I guess I'm "oldschool" like that. It sounds like Tommy is having a pretty rough time. He wrote about some of the stuff they'd been through this week and it sounds crappy (for lack of a better word). I feel bad for him, but he'll tough it out. He's done it before. He was in the ROTC at Tech our Freshman year and I remember how terrible his first semester was. He was getting initiated and all that jazz. He had a curfew, he only got 30 second showers. I would let him come over to my dorm so he could take showers and watch TV/have a semi-normal life. I remember walking around campus with him to class and he'd have to salute all these people, walk a certain way, round corners a certain way, stay on a specific side of the sidewalk. Just ridiculous stuff... Now, I guess he's down for more training. I guess it's just in his blood. You really have to be cut from a certain cloth to be able to do all of this. All I know is that I couldn't think of a better person to be protecting the US than Tommy. It was good hearing from him today.

- Everyday for the past month or so Nina has been sending me funny messages on Facebook. Everytime I check my e-mail I see 5 from Facebook that say something along the lines of "Nina Cohen has sent you a message" or "Nina Cohen has written on your wall." Funny thing is, I always anticipate messages from her, and I know for sure I'll be laughing when I read them. Anyway, here's part of her message that she sent me today:

i think one day i should compile a book of our msg convos and keep them in a securely locked safe and take it out to read when i need to laugh at life. because honestly. i mean, i know you want to do the same. i almost wish we COULD show the world our convos just cause they're so fucking funny/out of control/inappropriate. but the thing is, no one else would laugh nearly as hard anyway.

in conclusion, there are many reasons why i love us. the. end

Ha! We are such dorks but I love it. I completely agree with her idea. She better make me a copy of these messages too if she does actually compile them one day.

some clarity

I was giving someone relationship advice today. She brought up the fact that her relationship hand changed dramatically with her significant other and was hanging by a thread and she wasn't sure whether she should hang on or let go. I don't want to bore you with the details, but I thought what she described was a pretty toxic relationship. This was not just a little bump in the road... so I quoted some text from Derrick Brown's poem "Unsent" and this is what I said to her...

When you told me about losing your virginity
do you know I wanted to be there
to shake you and say
wait damnit wait for me

I think of how i'd feel without you
and I am ripped into freeway trash.
I fell for you twice.
You're a big fat fuckin' wow....

I wanna fix what the other upstanding Christian boys wrecked
I wanna punch out all the smart, clever
and coy billboards you dated before
and stalk all the boys with secret crushes
and place their hearts on Pungee stakes
and say Suck it she's mine.

One survivor

Everytime I'm feeling down about the end of a relationship or one I'm kind of on the fence about, I read this poem and I think to myself, would the guy I'm currently with say anyone of those things about me? If not, then it's time to move on. Because the person you're with should regard you in the way that this poet was writing. I hope you read this and feel the same way. Good luck with your decision. Whatever you decide will be in your best interest but I think all of us are hoping that you don't settle.

Wow, maybe I should take my own advice once in awhile. It's true, I do read a lot of Derrick Brown when I'm feeling down... I especially love this poem because someone who loves you should speak of you this way. You shouldn't have to settle for anything less. Later on tonight, I went and got Gelato with some friends of mine and we got into girl mode and started talking about the ideal guy. We're all currently single but in the past we've been through a lot of the same things in regards to relationships not working out, just not meeting the right people, and getting sick of the whole dating game. Anyway, in our pseudo-misery we talked about what the ideal guy would be like... and I think I said something along the lines of, "I want my guy to be okay with me getting lunch with an ex." Then, I thought about it and wondered if a) I'd ever find anyone that would be okay with something like that and b) if a relationship could actually work up to a point of that much trust. I think this would be the ultimate test. I know exes are always touchy subjects, but you know obviously these people meant a lot to you at one point in your life, completely writing them out of your life would be a contradiction in my opinion.

Thoughts?

Fantastic!

Paul McCartney's new single "Dance Tonight"



I really like this one. :)

song of the day...



Permanently stuck in my head

Great find...

I was rummaging through my room today and came across a USPS folder/package that was open. I went to see what it was and I realized that it was some mail from a good friend of mine at UVA. He has always wanted to be an architect and that's what he's in school for now, but ever since High School, I've always told him that I will be commissioning him to design my first grown up house. This excludes my stint in whatever city I decide to relocate to when I graduate. Anyway, in this package of sorts, he actually sent me pictures of what it would look like. It actually turned out pretty well - he's a really talented guy. I can't believe I have a layout of what this house is going to look like. We've come a long way since High School and I know it will be a long time before I actually have this plan executed. Nevertheless, it's pretty exciting. I'm glad I came across it again. Also, he happens to be a great photographer too, so he sent me two 8x10's of my favorite black & whites of his. These are the originals, but in my house at Tech right now, I actually have them blown up 30 x 40 and foam mounted. Not only will he design my first house, but it's looking like most of the wall space will be taken up by his art too. Fine by me. I'm lucky to have such talented friends. Finding this old package (circa Freshman year of college) was such a good surprise.

Bad idea = drinking coffee at night when you haven't had coffee in months. That was not a good life choice because my coffee tolerance is dangerously low. Normally 2 cups of coffee wouldn't even keep me up; however, my one cup today is kicking my butt. I can't go to sleep! So... right now, I find myself listening to Tchaikovsky, after a marathon of Josh Groban, and Elliott Smith's new CD (which is great by the way). Now I think I'm going to move on to Sondre Lerche's Duper Sessions. Check it out if you haven't. His voice will take you back. I love it.

Sorry for this increasingly pointless post. I can't sleep and nobody else is up right now. I am almost tempted to go for a run, but I don't really want to do that by myself at 2am.

Well then... Sondre Lerche it is.

Happy 23rd Birthday!!!

I love birthdays, but this one is just so bittersweet. He would have wanted us to celebrate and you know truth be told... he has given us so much to celebrate. On days like today, the reality of what happened really hits home. It stops feeling like they're just away at summer camp. What can you do but just remember all the good times and all the laughs? And that is exactly what today is for. Happy 23rd Birthday Stack, we miss you.

I released a red balloon with his name on it today. I hope that whoever finds it will see his name, look it up, read about him and be inspired by everything he's done.

Reoccuring person in dream?

This is going to be long so for those of you brave enough to read through this... brace yourselves.

So recently I've had two dreams and the same person was in both. I'm not very good at interpreting these things so hopefully someone can help me out. First off, let me just say that I think it's odd that this person has been in my dreams lately because I haven't talked to him in awhile and when we do talk it's a very short exchange... so I'm not sure what this is all about. Okay so let's just get into this...

Dream #1

I'm at an indoor pool with my friend when I see said guy coming my way with one of his friends. For some reason when I saw him, I just wanted to avoid him. (Sidenote: in real life there was a period when I did kind of avoid him... not entirely on purpose but I did end up feeling bad about it later on) Anyway, we're in this pool area and as he walks towards me, the exits to the pool disappear and I have nowhere to go but I still didn't want to come face to face with him for some reason so my friend and I walk to the opposing end of the pool, he keeps trying to come closer and we basically just keep running around in circles. Finally, he kind of catches up and we are face to face... I don't remember if any words were exchanged but I remember the exits to the pool reappearing at that point and I was able to leave. Weird thing is, I left with him and an engagement ring. My friend and his friend kind of wern't in the dream at this point. I woke up really confused... seriously I haven't talked to this guy in so long so this whole commitment thing in the dream really freaked me out.

Dream #2 (same guy)

This actually happened today when I took a nap while it was raining outside. It was raining in my dream as well. Here's what went down: He had called me to tell me he was going to be in town at my school for some type of conference. I told him I may not be around after his conference because I was going to drive to another school to meet up with a friend. His conference ends and we meet up briefly, hugs are exchanged, and then I tell him I have to leave. He then insists on driving me in my car back to my place so I can get my things and pack the car. At this point my house at school has warped into a dorm/hotel kind of deal with El Rods (a popular restaurant down at school) in the basement in the lobby. It's very strange. Anyway, on the drive to my dorm/hotel/house whatever it is - he convinces me to just stay and hang out which I agree to, so I tell him he can just stay with me since I have plenty of room. We make it back to my hotel(ish) thing and we realize we have to go through El Rods to get upstairs to the elevators that will take us up... for some reason it was scary to go through El Rods - everyone was staring at us. So I guess his solution to this awkwardness was to hold hands and shut up. We made it to the elevators and up to my room and met up with the rest of the dorm mates (weird because i don't live in a dorm right now) and we all planned on going out... then I woke up.


Does anyone have any idea what's going on? Is there any symbolism behind these dreams that I'm just not seeing? Thoughts are always appreciated! Oh and has this ever happened to anyone else?

Reason to smile

- Scored some fantastic BR skinny jeans for... $20 bucks. How ridiculous? Ridiculous. Bless you, Memorial Day weekend sales
- Got a great J.Crew military jacket(ish) thing that I'm in love with
- Will be meeting up with some long lost friends tonight in DC :)
- This weather is annoying during the day because it's so hot, but it's JUST perfect at night. Mid 70s at night with a slight breeze... does it get any better?! Hardly.
- Pools are opening up meaning I can study for my MCATs poolside and get a tan
- I'm Dominican Republic bound!
- I'm also New York bound!
- I've added a new link to the Frequented section to the right. My friend and past board member, Linda is spending her summer in Korea and she has set up a blog. It's got a lot of great pictures and stories so check it out and keep up with what she's doing.
- It's Memorial Day weekend - also a good time to reflect on the ultimate sacrifice that others made and how we have benefited from it. I think I'll pay a visit to the WWII memorial because I have yet to go; I also want an excuse to be sort of in the area so I can check out the Bodies exhibit. I missed it while in Boston.

In 4 days he would have been celebrating his 23rd Birthday. Just seems so senseless you know? To be taken away when all these milestones (graduations/birthdays) were just right around the corner. I wish the person who did this would have gotten the chance to know Stack because I think in some way, shape, or form - he would have found a friend. I think I'm going to have a little celebration of my own on his birthday to commemorate what would have been 23 amazing years of constant laughs, big huge "i mean these" hugs, and that signature smile we all love and miss every day.

I miss him so much.

Capital District!

Yesterday a friend of mine invited Heather and I to hang out with him in DC. He happens to work for the Congresswoman of Guam so we got to meet her staff and hang out in her office. It was so much fun. Living in DC all my life, I can honestly say I've never gotten such an insider tour before. We had a blast and the staff members were great - everyone was so nice and welcoming. I have some pictures up on Flickr, the rest are on Facebook. Afterwards, we went to Gravelly point where we got to watch planes land in Regan National. It was such a rush! We were laying on our backs as the planes touched down and they were coming down so close, it was kind of scary. Here's a clip!

Rachel and I had been planning to go to Georgetown today since the end of last week. Much to our dismay, the weather was not working with us tomorrow. Weather shifts I expect in Blacksburg... not in Northern Virginia. Anyway, we decided to suck it up, put on a sweater and stick to our plan of action. Destination: Georgetown. We were going, no matter what. Last night I charged the battery to my camera. Unfortunately, that did me no good as I forgot it this morning. Halfway to DC, Rach turns to me in the car and says, "I forgot my camera." I gues that's what happens on a cloudy day... everything/everyone happens to be a little "off." We made it to DC, got a great parking spot and began shopping. It had stopped raining by the time we got there and the sun even came out a little. A bunch of mid-aged men whized by us on their segway tour on our way and one stopped to ask me if I wanted a ride. He said it in a creepy tone, but just to amuse him, I said, "OF COURSE!" He smiled and rolled away. We passed by a dialysis place and Rachel's grandparents were there so we decided to stop in and surprise them. It was so wonderful. Her grandmother was so excited since she had been sitting in the waiting room for 4 hours before we arrived. We had no idea she would be there, just by chance we decided to pop in and check. It was very warm and lighthearted - she gave us cookies and told us lots of stories. I felt a little wiser when I left. We decided on La Madeleine for dinner and on our way there a french man ran into us and this is common because the sidewalks are packed in the summer and he said "Pardon Mademoseilles." It was sweet and made our choice to get french cusine for dinner all the more justified.

It was a great day. I'm looking forward to rediscovering DC this summer.

I just made the most amazing Eggplant parm ziti. There is also only one of me and I made enough for 8-10 people so please come and help me eat it.

Lifesaving recipe via Rachel Ray. DELICIOUS!!!

Today is the one month mark. I can't believe it's been that long since they've been gone. I know we all still feel it, it doesn't get any easier. It's been really tough for all of us - there have been really good days and then some really really bad ones. What can you do but take it one day at a time.

Not a day has passed by since April 16th where I haven't cried. I really miss him. Graduation was this weekend and I keep thinking about all the families that had to make that walk in place of their loved ones. It kills me. I know I can't keep dwelling on this though. I can't be so consumed by tragedy that I do not live my life fully. I know I owe it to them to continue on. I'm going to do it for them, and I know it's going to be hard, it's been almost impossible lately. I know I have to carry their torches because theirs were prematurely taken away. I'm going to try so hard to be more like Stack. I want to be as passionate about learning as he was, as personable as he was, as caring and giving as he was. I can only hope to be half the person that he was. In doing so, I hope to spread his goodness to the people I will eventually meet so that they too feel a bit of his presence and in a sense get to meet this amazing person I was so lucky to call a friend. I say this with a very heavy heart and fighting back tears, but I want to do this for him, for them and the chances he never got.

Missing you at Graduation.

:(

I'm trying. I'm trying really hard. I try to crack a smile for him, but damn, it's so so hard. Everytime I see his picture, I just cry. Graduation is this weekend and it's so bittersweet. Just knowing Stack was so close - knowing this moment was taken away from him. I am so torn. I can't believe it has been 3 weeks. It doesn't feel like it. It's not fair, nobody deserved this. None of them. My heart is so heavy - I just miss them so much. You know what bothers me? The fact that Facebook is going to erase their profiles May 15th or 16th. It's some sort of rule they have. I guess they keep profiles up for a month after people die. I know it's something really petty to be angry about but I can't stand the thought of him or any of them being erased. People still talk to Stack on his Facebook - I don't think any of them are ready for that connection to be taken away. I know I'm not ready to have that taken away. I feel very selfish for still needing to see his profile, but it kind of feels like he's still around that way. Taking him away will make it all seem too real and too final. I know that's my reality right now, but I am not ready to let go. Like I've said before - I'm NOT ready to say goodbye. Nobody is. Not like this. I just wish I could run into him one more time, see him flash that notorious smile, give him a big bear hug and let him know that I love and respect him.

Only in dreams.

more dreams

I had a dream a few nights ago where it was April 16th again. I was in a classroom when somebody came in and opened fire. The person's face was unclear. All I know is that I hit the ground in panic along with the rest of my classmates. In my dream, I was shot 3 times in my upper back/shoulder. It was weird because I could feel the initial piercing pain of the bullet in my dream. I woke up the next morning completely sore and my right arm numb. It just felt so real. I remember at the end of my dream right before I woke up the police had entered right in time for the gunman to shoot himself in the face. It was so weird, I felt as if I was actually in one of the rooms. It really scared me. I've been talking to a grief counselor and he said that these dreams were normal reactions to a very abnormal event. Sounds so textbook doesn't it? When I was talking to this counselor I could kind of sense that he was very bothered by the whole event as well . He mentioned that he had actually had some sessions with people who were in the classrooms where the majority of the people died. He said their accounts of what went on were just devastating. We talked about trauma and how the rescuers were dealing with it. I couldn't possibly imagine what they are going through. Pronouncing somebody dead all the while hearing their cell phones constantly ringing with desperate attempts from loved ones to get a hold of them. It tears me up just thinking about it. It's going to take a lot longer to heal than the experts are predicting. I was driving home today, and "Yesterday" by the Beatles came on and I started tearing up. Sometimes when I'm out with friends, I will have to leave the room because it will hit me all at once, and I feel really bad when it does because I don't want to bring attention to myself. I'm sure they understand but I feel bad none the less because nobody should be this emotionally unstable. The other day I saw pictures of Matt LaPorte's funeral (the cadet) and I couldn't help crying. The corps of cadets followed him to his final resting place. It was a beautiful service.

healing?

Sleepless nights. Nightmares. Wake up and feeling like everyday is April 16th. Not eating. I think PTSD has set in. It's getting really hard to deal with - I may be taking it a lot harder than everyone else - who knows. Nothing feels good right now. Nothing feels normal. I feel like I'm just going through the motions of the day just because that's the only thing I know to do. Everyday is a battle. I try to go out with friends and try to keep up with the schedule I had planned by going to Foxfield etc. None of these things made me feel better. Sure it was great to see old friends again, but at the end of the day, it's just me and my grief over this. The school paper released a memorial issue of the paper this past Monday with little bios on all the people we lost that day. I read everybody's story sobbing and just not really getting out of bed after that for awhile. A lot of my friends have been calling to check in just to see how I'm doing and as much as I appreciate what they are doing, it's very hard for me to explain to somebody who did not experience it how I'm coping and what it's like to go through this right now. I did muster up enough courage to visit Stack's stone the other day. My friend Lisa came back from her study abroad and drove straight to Tech. We stood at his stone and just cried. I was fixated on it because that's all there is left of him that is tangible. Walking away was so hard. I'm not ready to do it yet. We lost a lot of amazing people that day. Reading all their stories just makes it hurt so much more. None of them deserved this. Nobody deserves this. I'm finding it excrutiatingly hard to move on. I don't know when I will feel normal again, but right now, I'm just not ready to.