Bad idea = drinking coffee at night when you haven't had coffee in months. That was not a good life choice because my coffee tolerance is dangerously low. Normally 2 cups of coffee wouldn't even keep me up; however, my one cup today is kicking my butt. I can't go to sleep! So... right now, I find myself listening to Tchaikovsky, after a marathon of Josh Groban, and Elliott Smith's new CD (which is great by the way). Now I think I'm going to move on to Sondre Lerche's Duper Sessions. Check it out if you haven't. His voice will take you back. I love it.

Sorry for this increasingly pointless post. I can't sleep and nobody else is up right now. I am almost tempted to go for a run, but I don't really want to do that by myself at 2am.

Well then... Sondre Lerche it is.

Happy 23rd Birthday!!!

I love birthdays, but this one is just so bittersweet. He would have wanted us to celebrate and you know truth be told... he has given us so much to celebrate. On days like today, the reality of what happened really hits home. It stops feeling like they're just away at summer camp. What can you do but just remember all the good times and all the laughs? And that is exactly what today is for. Happy 23rd Birthday Stack, we miss you.

I released a red balloon with his name on it today. I hope that whoever finds it will see his name, look it up, read about him and be inspired by everything he's done.

Reoccuring person in dream?

This is going to be long so for those of you brave enough to read through this... brace yourselves.

So recently I've had two dreams and the same person was in both. I'm not very good at interpreting these things so hopefully someone can help me out. First off, let me just say that I think it's odd that this person has been in my dreams lately because I haven't talked to him in awhile and when we do talk it's a very short exchange... so I'm not sure what this is all about. Okay so let's just get into this...

Dream #1

I'm at an indoor pool with my friend when I see said guy coming my way with one of his friends. For some reason when I saw him, I just wanted to avoid him. (Sidenote: in real life there was a period when I did kind of avoid him... not entirely on purpose but I did end up feeling bad about it later on) Anyway, we're in this pool area and as he walks towards me, the exits to the pool disappear and I have nowhere to go but I still didn't want to come face to face with him for some reason so my friend and I walk to the opposing end of the pool, he keeps trying to come closer and we basically just keep running around in circles. Finally, he kind of catches up and we are face to face... I don't remember if any words were exchanged but I remember the exits to the pool reappearing at that point and I was able to leave. Weird thing is, I left with him and an engagement ring. My friend and his friend kind of wern't in the dream at this point. I woke up really confused... seriously I haven't talked to this guy in so long so this whole commitment thing in the dream really freaked me out.

Dream #2 (same guy)

This actually happened today when I took a nap while it was raining outside. It was raining in my dream as well. Here's what went down: He had called me to tell me he was going to be in town at my school for some type of conference. I told him I may not be around after his conference because I was going to drive to another school to meet up with a friend. His conference ends and we meet up briefly, hugs are exchanged, and then I tell him I have to leave. He then insists on driving me in my car back to my place so I can get my things and pack the car. At this point my house at school has warped into a dorm/hotel kind of deal with El Rods (a popular restaurant down at school) in the basement in the lobby. It's very strange. Anyway, on the drive to my dorm/hotel/house whatever it is - he convinces me to just stay and hang out which I agree to, so I tell him he can just stay with me since I have plenty of room. We make it back to my hotel(ish) thing and we realize we have to go through El Rods to get upstairs to the elevators that will take us up... for some reason it was scary to go through El Rods - everyone was staring at us. So I guess his solution to this awkwardness was to hold hands and shut up. We made it to the elevators and up to my room and met up with the rest of the dorm mates (weird because i don't live in a dorm right now) and we all planned on going out... then I woke up.


Does anyone have any idea what's going on? Is there any symbolism behind these dreams that I'm just not seeing? Thoughts are always appreciated! Oh and has this ever happened to anyone else?

Reason to smile

- Scored some fantastic BR skinny jeans for... $20 bucks. How ridiculous? Ridiculous. Bless you, Memorial Day weekend sales
- Got a great J.Crew military jacket(ish) thing that I'm in love with
- Will be meeting up with some long lost friends tonight in DC :)
- This weather is annoying during the day because it's so hot, but it's JUST perfect at night. Mid 70s at night with a slight breeze... does it get any better?! Hardly.
- Pools are opening up meaning I can study for my MCATs poolside and get a tan
- I'm Dominican Republic bound!
- I'm also New York bound!
- I've added a new link to the Frequented section to the right. My friend and past board member, Linda is spending her summer in Korea and she has set up a blog. It's got a lot of great pictures and stories so check it out and keep up with what she's doing.
- It's Memorial Day weekend - also a good time to reflect on the ultimate sacrifice that others made and how we have benefited from it. I think I'll pay a visit to the WWII memorial because I have yet to go; I also want an excuse to be sort of in the area so I can check out the Bodies exhibit. I missed it while in Boston.

In 4 days he would have been celebrating his 23rd Birthday. Just seems so senseless you know? To be taken away when all these milestones (graduations/birthdays) were just right around the corner. I wish the person who did this would have gotten the chance to know Stack because I think in some way, shape, or form - he would have found a friend. I think I'm going to have a little celebration of my own on his birthday to commemorate what would have been 23 amazing years of constant laughs, big huge "i mean these" hugs, and that signature smile we all love and miss every day.

I miss him so much.

Capital District!

Yesterday a friend of mine invited Heather and I to hang out with him in DC. He happens to work for the Congresswoman of Guam so we got to meet her staff and hang out in her office. It was so much fun. Living in DC all my life, I can honestly say I've never gotten such an insider tour before. We had a blast and the staff members were great - everyone was so nice and welcoming. I have some pictures up on Flickr, the rest are on Facebook. Afterwards, we went to Gravelly point where we got to watch planes land in Regan National. It was such a rush! We were laying on our backs as the planes touched down and they were coming down so close, it was kind of scary. Here's a clip!

Rachel and I had been planning to go to Georgetown today since the end of last week. Much to our dismay, the weather was not working with us tomorrow. Weather shifts I expect in Blacksburg... not in Northern Virginia. Anyway, we decided to suck it up, put on a sweater and stick to our plan of action. Destination: Georgetown. We were going, no matter what. Last night I charged the battery to my camera. Unfortunately, that did me no good as I forgot it this morning. Halfway to DC, Rach turns to me in the car and says, "I forgot my camera." I gues that's what happens on a cloudy day... everything/everyone happens to be a little "off." We made it to DC, got a great parking spot and began shopping. It had stopped raining by the time we got there and the sun even came out a little. A bunch of mid-aged men whized by us on their segway tour on our way and one stopped to ask me if I wanted a ride. He said it in a creepy tone, but just to amuse him, I said, "OF COURSE!" He smiled and rolled away. We passed by a dialysis place and Rachel's grandparents were there so we decided to stop in and surprise them. It was so wonderful. Her grandmother was so excited since she had been sitting in the waiting room for 4 hours before we arrived. We had no idea she would be there, just by chance we decided to pop in and check. It was very warm and lighthearted - she gave us cookies and told us lots of stories. I felt a little wiser when I left. We decided on La Madeleine for dinner and on our way there a french man ran into us and this is common because the sidewalks are packed in the summer and he said "Pardon Mademoseilles." It was sweet and made our choice to get french cusine for dinner all the more justified.

It was a great day. I'm looking forward to rediscovering DC this summer.

I just made the most amazing Eggplant parm ziti. There is also only one of me and I made enough for 8-10 people so please come and help me eat it.

Lifesaving recipe via Rachel Ray. DELICIOUS!!!

Today is the one month mark. I can't believe it's been that long since they've been gone. I know we all still feel it, it doesn't get any easier. It's been really tough for all of us - there have been really good days and then some really really bad ones. What can you do but take it one day at a time.

Not a day has passed by since April 16th where I haven't cried. I really miss him. Graduation was this weekend and I keep thinking about all the families that had to make that walk in place of their loved ones. It kills me. I know I can't keep dwelling on this though. I can't be so consumed by tragedy that I do not live my life fully. I know I owe it to them to continue on. I'm going to do it for them, and I know it's going to be hard, it's been almost impossible lately. I know I have to carry their torches because theirs were prematurely taken away. I'm going to try so hard to be more like Stack. I want to be as passionate about learning as he was, as personable as he was, as caring and giving as he was. I can only hope to be half the person that he was. In doing so, I hope to spread his goodness to the people I will eventually meet so that they too feel a bit of his presence and in a sense get to meet this amazing person I was so lucky to call a friend. I say this with a very heavy heart and fighting back tears, but I want to do this for him, for them and the chances he never got.

Missing you at Graduation.

:(

I'm trying. I'm trying really hard. I try to crack a smile for him, but damn, it's so so hard. Everytime I see his picture, I just cry. Graduation is this weekend and it's so bittersweet. Just knowing Stack was so close - knowing this moment was taken away from him. I am so torn. I can't believe it has been 3 weeks. It doesn't feel like it. It's not fair, nobody deserved this. None of them. My heart is so heavy - I just miss them so much. You know what bothers me? The fact that Facebook is going to erase their profiles May 15th or 16th. It's some sort of rule they have. I guess they keep profiles up for a month after people die. I know it's something really petty to be angry about but I can't stand the thought of him or any of them being erased. People still talk to Stack on his Facebook - I don't think any of them are ready for that connection to be taken away. I know I'm not ready to have that taken away. I feel very selfish for still needing to see his profile, but it kind of feels like he's still around that way. Taking him away will make it all seem too real and too final. I know that's my reality right now, but I am not ready to let go. Like I've said before - I'm NOT ready to say goodbye. Nobody is. Not like this. I just wish I could run into him one more time, see him flash that notorious smile, give him a big bear hug and let him know that I love and respect him.

Only in dreams.

more dreams

I had a dream a few nights ago where it was April 16th again. I was in a classroom when somebody came in and opened fire. The person's face was unclear. All I know is that I hit the ground in panic along with the rest of my classmates. In my dream, I was shot 3 times in my upper back/shoulder. It was weird because I could feel the initial piercing pain of the bullet in my dream. I woke up the next morning completely sore and my right arm numb. It just felt so real. I remember at the end of my dream right before I woke up the police had entered right in time for the gunman to shoot himself in the face. It was so weird, I felt as if I was actually in one of the rooms. It really scared me. I've been talking to a grief counselor and he said that these dreams were normal reactions to a very abnormal event. Sounds so textbook doesn't it? When I was talking to this counselor I could kind of sense that he was very bothered by the whole event as well . He mentioned that he had actually had some sessions with people who were in the classrooms where the majority of the people died. He said their accounts of what went on were just devastating. We talked about trauma and how the rescuers were dealing with it. I couldn't possibly imagine what they are going through. Pronouncing somebody dead all the while hearing their cell phones constantly ringing with desperate attempts from loved ones to get a hold of them. It tears me up just thinking about it. It's going to take a lot longer to heal than the experts are predicting. I was driving home today, and "Yesterday" by the Beatles came on and I started tearing up. Sometimes when I'm out with friends, I will have to leave the room because it will hit me all at once, and I feel really bad when it does because I don't want to bring attention to myself. I'm sure they understand but I feel bad none the less because nobody should be this emotionally unstable. The other day I saw pictures of Matt LaPorte's funeral (the cadet) and I couldn't help crying. The corps of cadets followed him to his final resting place. It was a beautiful service.

healing?

Sleepless nights. Nightmares. Wake up and feeling like everyday is April 16th. Not eating. I think PTSD has set in. It's getting really hard to deal with - I may be taking it a lot harder than everyone else - who knows. Nothing feels good right now. Nothing feels normal. I feel like I'm just going through the motions of the day just because that's the only thing I know to do. Everyday is a battle. I try to go out with friends and try to keep up with the schedule I had planned by going to Foxfield etc. None of these things made me feel better. Sure it was great to see old friends again, but at the end of the day, it's just me and my grief over this. The school paper released a memorial issue of the paper this past Monday with little bios on all the people we lost that day. I read everybody's story sobbing and just not really getting out of bed after that for awhile. A lot of my friends have been calling to check in just to see how I'm doing and as much as I appreciate what they are doing, it's very hard for me to explain to somebody who did not experience it how I'm coping and what it's like to go through this right now. I did muster up enough courage to visit Stack's stone the other day. My friend Lisa came back from her study abroad and drove straight to Tech. We stood at his stone and just cried. I was fixated on it because that's all there is left of him that is tangible. Walking away was so hard. I'm not ready to do it yet. We lost a lot of amazing people that day. Reading all their stories just makes it hurt so much more. None of them deserved this. Nobody deserves this. I'm finding it excrutiatingly hard to move on. I don't know when I will feel normal again, but right now, I'm just not ready to.

It's so hard.

It's true! To us, Ryan Clark was bigger than Superman.

I've never experienced the death of a friend before and it has been an uphill battle for me. It's currently 4:22 am and I can't sleep. I keep thinking about Stack and how much I miss seeing him around. I cry all the time and am so consumed by it that I shake. I don't understand, and it hurts so much more knowing that he was so full of promise. I look at his pictures and I break down everytime. I want so much to visit his stone on the drillfield and maybe just reflect but I honestly don't know if I can handle it. There are moments throughout the day when I'm with my friends and I'm feeling okay but it's these moments when I'm alone and I realize that he isn't here that I just break down like this. It's so surreal. I visited UVA this weekend for Foxfield and my friend I was staying with had a copy of the most recent Time magazine and all 32 victims were on the cover. Stack, a couple weeks ago who was just a normal college student is now on the cover of Time magazine. I don't believe it. He meant so much and it hurts to just see his life summed up in a few sentences or used as a headline for some news article. We drove through parts of the state this weekend, and I saw that some of the flags were not at half mast anymore and it was saddening to me. I know that this tragedy does not effect everyone else as much as it effects Tech students, but it was kind of a sign that people were ready to forget and move on. That is just very unsettling to me just because this event hit so close to home, and I know that the official period of mourning is generally a week, but I can't help but think that the flag that flies inside me for my Hokie family will forever be at half mast. I'm having a hard time accepting this.

New link

If you notice to the right of this blog under "Frequented" I've added a new link called "Plaid Avenger." A former professor of mine, John Boyer shares his unique and often times hilarious thoughts on world news and events. CHECK IT OUTTT. John Boyer is hands down one of the BEST professors I've had at Virginia Tech. I took World Regions with him as an elective and it was easily one of my favorite classes I've had here. Because of him, I can probably name and geographically point out some pretty obscure countries, their capitals, and their presidents. List some facts about how these presidents came to power, and why they are loved or hated. UNDERSTANDING is the huge lesson I got from him. I know that sounds cliche, but honestly, it took a class like this to really open my eyes to the things going on around me not just domestically but abroad as well. I learned how connected we all were and how rebels taking over a plant in a remote area in Africa can have an effect on ME. Anyway, I'm not too sure where I was going with this other than I compoletely appreciate everything John Boyer has taught me and plus, I think the man is awesome. He is a legend on this campus. I'm pretty sure most everyone here has taken or plans to take a class with him before they graduate. Anyway, take a look at his blog.

Sorry this is so incoherent.

Today marks one week.

VT resumed classes today. I had a dream last night where I was looking at Stack's Facebook wall and reading all the wonderful things that his friends have written about him and how they are all so sad that he is gone and he came back and told us that it was a mistake and that something went wrong and they just released the wrong name - that he wasn't really dead. I remember being SO incredibly relieved after hearing him say that. It's just sad because it felt so real and I think it's because I really wanted that to be the truth. I really want him to still be here. I'm having a hard time accepting what happened. I woke up abruptly this morning a few hours before my first class to sirens blaring on the street outside. It felt like the movie Groundhog Day. I thought it was happening all over again until I finally came to my senses. I've talked to a lot of people that live by me and they said they had the same reaction when they heard it this morning too. It's good to know I'm not completely losing it. I got to class at 12 only to find out that class wasn't meeting today. I guess I never got the e-mail. Today our academic buildings had signs on the entrances that said that the media were not to enter. Well... apparently there were news affiliates that dressed up as students and tried to sit in on some classes. Some professors had cops right outside the classroom ready to arrest them, while others would not tolerate them being in class and asked them to leave. I'm pretty sure we had one guy sit in on one of my classes. He didn't have a camera or anything just a pencil and pad of paper. I don't know how I felt about it. It's a HUGE intrusion and I think it kind of crosses the line. On the other hand, he was pretty respectful, he didn't say anything and just minded his business. I understand these people have a job to do and families to support, but capitalizing on someone's pain very obviously is where I draw the line. Don't stick a camera in somebody's face when they are crying. If you must get footage, do it at a distance, you know? My friends who went to the vigil this morning said that CNN was right behind them and the guy's cell phone went off during the moment of silence and though he didn't answer it, he wasn't quick enough to turn it off because it obviously disturbed others. They also said whispers of "get footage of that right there" were abundent during this moment of silence and everyone agrees that it's just rude. Again if you must get footage, do it respectfully or don't come at all. We will ask you to leave and at times we may not be so polite about it.

That Smile...

I miss it so so much.

Random

I got some Keds today. Doing so made me feel like I was 5 years old all over again, but how could I resist? They are so comfortable. Plus, these are all pre-destroyed thus making them "hip." Ha ha, JOKES!

Being away from Virginia Tech for the past couple of days have made me feel pretty normal again. I have removed myself from the situation which makes me feel a little more detached. However, I'll be headed back tomorrow and I think Monday will definately begin to flood back, especially upon seeing all the memorials set up. Things won't be the same - I know that for sure, but in looking out for myself, I have signed up to meet with a counselor to see if I can try to get all my feelings sorted out. There's obviously a lot I have on my mind, there's a lot I've neglected to deal with because I am currently home so I feel that this is a necessity when I get back. I want to be able to move on and to one day accept what happened. I feel this is what's best for me right now.

Hokie Hope

Virginia Tech Alumni have declared tomorrow an Orange & Maroon Effect day. Traditionally, there are two days during the football season where everyone in the stands will wear one of the two colors so the games will be called "Orange effect" or "Maroon effect." Anyway, in order to show solidarity tomorrow, VT alumni as well as current VT students ask those who wish to participate to wear our school colors. You don't have to be dressed to the nines, a simple ribbon will do. For the official statement, click on this link or this one.

We ARE Virginia Tech

The response to the reading of this poem by Nikki Giovanni was astonishing. In Cassell, they chanted "Let's Go Hokies" and in the Stadium one side chanted "Let's Go" as the other responded with "Hokies" (which is standard procedure at any football game) as tears rolled down everyone's cheeks. That was the first time I really felt any sense of encouragement. This was the first time that I felt that I could actually move on. And when we saw the shot of Frank Beamer and his wife crying during all of this... we just broke down. But I must say the worst moment during convocation was when a family member of the victim was so overwhelmed with grief that he had to be removed from the service. I cannot imagine he is going through. My heart sank. Convocation was a step in the right direction - it has not made things easier, but at least we know that the healing process has begun. Additionally, the out pour of support from around the nation and the world is remarkable. In the place of college rivalry, comes overwhelming comraderie. Every time I see a "4.16.2007 - today we are all hokies" sign or message, a piece of me sinks and I wish I could personally thank everyone. I see that my hometown baseball team "The Nationals" wore Virginia Tech baseball caps to their game today and it moved me to tears. I cannot express my gratitude to all of you who have sent encouraging words - it helps so much at a time like this. I went to sleep crying last night and woke up crying. I wanted so much to wake up this morning and just realize it was all a horrible nightmare. Reality sets in and now I understand that the next few days, and months will be a journey to heal. Thank you for supporting me through all of this from the bottom of my heart.

Nikki Giovanni's Poem

We are Virginia Tech
We are sad today
And we will be sad for quite a while
We are NOT moving on
We are embracing our mourning
We are Virginia Tech
We are strong enough to stand tall tirelessly
We are brave enough to bend to cry, and sad enough to know
We must laugh again
We are Virginia Tech
We do not understand this tragedy
We know we did nothing deserve it
But neither does the child in Africa, dying of AIDS
Neither do the invisible children, walking the night away to avoid being captured by rogue army
Neither does the baby elephant, watching his community be devastated for ivory
Neither does the Mexican child looking for fresh water
Neither does the Appalachian child, killed in his own crib, in the home his father built with his own hands, being run over by a boulder because the land was destabilized
No one deserves a tragedy
We are Virginia Tech
The Hokie nation embraces our own and reaches out with open heart and hands to those that offer their hearts and minds
We are strong and brave and innocent and unafraid,
We are better than we think and not quite what we want to be
We are live to the imagination
And the possibility we will continue to invent the future
Through our blood and tears
Through all this sadness
We are the Hokies
We will prevail
We will prevail
We will prevail
WE ARE
VIRGINIA TECH