I'm starting to miss everyone... I'm not home sick, because I actually love it here, it's just... I don't know. I miss seeing familiar faces and the connection that I had with all my friends when I was there. I talked to a few of my friends and basically everyone feels the same way. I mean don't get me wrong college is awesome, my friends here are great too, but it's just different. I don't feel I've known anyone that well yet and I haven't exactly been putting myself out there. I don't know why either. I could have gone to parties all of last week, but I chose to go to one at the end of the week and I didn't even stay there that long. I didn't meet anyone at that party - I guess it was because I really wasn't trying to. I'm rather reserved when I meet people for the first time - maybe I have trust issues? I'm not one to put myself out there. Sure I'll introduce myself to people who come up to me but I'm not one to go around to others... It's weird, I know. It's ironic because I'm actually an outgoing person, I just act this way when I'm around people I don't know.... maybe my psychology class or sociology class will explain why. I also have cuts on my feet from my flip flops because a) they're not worn in yet and b) I have to walk 5-10 miles a day which = hurt feet. Sorry, back to what I orginally wrote this post about (which you probably don't care about either - I have a right to rant, I shall)... I guess I'm reserved because my friends and I are just so close, we know each other really well... they're like my second family and I guess it's hard for me with my friends here because I don't think we can ever be that close to one other...

Actually I'm lying... I guess I'm more reserved here beacause I KNOW there's a big chance that the friends I have here and the people I'll meet this year are going to be amazing people. I know that I can have that feeling I get with my friends from home with them here. I know that they can feel like my second family - because in some ways... they already do. I just feel so damn guilty sometimes because it almost feels like I'm replacing my friends from home and I know it sounds stupid but I just don't know anymore. I know I shouldn't limit myself because I feel guilty... I'm afraid. I afraid of losing what I had back home to what I have here - which don't get me wrong... is good. I just don't want to let go... my goodbyes wern't forever. What to do?

Also... everyone here is really big on meeting guys... who can blame them right? The guy-girl ratio is 60-40... what's not to love about that. But I don't know, partying is great, I just ... I guess i'm not ready? I was never a big dater... I hated it and when I dated someone it was hard to let go when we decided we had to. You guys remember that. I dunno I think I'm too focused on finding "Mr.Right" when right now is a time where I should just be testing the waters to see who's out there.... maybe I'm holding out, I'm not quite sure... I guess I don't want to deal with the reality that being hurt is something that will happen. Damn.... I know I gave this speech to Erkan the other day... if only I could take my own advice... I told him that our age... we're suppose to experiment, break hearts and get ours broken, date people we'd never thought we'd date, love people we never thought we'd love because that's just the way it is and when this process is over... the person we end up would just seem so right. He told me I was right and he told me this really helped him with whatever he was going through... why can't I just take my own advice? It would just be easier that way....