Tossing and Turning...

So I've been up thinking too much/watching Scrubs (just finished the first season, now I'm on to my second) and I turned the lights off 30 minutes ago and just can't sleep. This is supposed to be my week off where ideally, I should just be resting and relaxing, but that's not the case. Broken heart syndrome never seems to come at the "right" time. It's always during finals or the last day of the worst week of your life. Anyway, bitterness aside... like I said, I was thinking tonight and I've come to the realization that maybe, just maybe I've made a huge mistake. That perhaps while I was concentrating my energy on said heartbreaker, I completely neglected somebody who will mean more to me than he knows. I don't know if you've ever been in the same position - but it's the feeling of being completely enveloped in the idea of somebody "new and exciting" that you forget the ones who are "dependable and comfortable." In other words, I'm feeling a little down - not only because of the broken heart (which I will get over eventually), but because I lost sight of the important things/people in my life through all of this. I'm sorry. Plain and simple. I doubt anyone this is directed at is reading this... but for the ones that are, at least you guys can go on record and say that "Mary really was/is sorry." Girls can be idiots sometimes too... SURPRISE!

In all seriousness though, I know I've been hard on myself lately and I suppose that's because I feel like I have no control over what's happening in my life right now. I mean I'm doing well in school and all that, but that's not the point. I feel like I'm at a point in my life right now where socially and personally I'm supposed to know where things are going. I feel like by now, I should have my shit together for lack of better words that come to mind. And I guess that when I was so emotionally beat with everything that was going on, it just felt like I failed. I still think it's my fault. That's the thing with relationships though - you can't go into them expecting everything to be fine. You will have your failures and triumphs but let me just go on record to say that the failures HURT so much. Sometimes, I wonder why we go through all these silly motions and why we even date. Eventually, it's to find a person we are compatible with but honestly, don't you ever get sick of the dating and awkwardness and the failed relationships? I do. I honestly don't want to do it anymore. I'm tired of games and expectations. I know that's completely silly... but I don't want to search for the right person anymore. I can't take anymore failed relationships. I can't take the frustration and disappointment.

And that's where I am right now. That's how I'm feeling tonight. I'm being more candid than usual... but I just needed to get it out.