What a life to take, what a bond to break...

I just found out that this guy that I graduated with killed himself and his girlfriend today. This is unbelievable. I wasn't that great of friends with him, but he was a nice guy and you just wouldn't suspect something like this from him. It's so tragic. Not too long ago, he was sitting in the row in front of me at graduation where we all anticipated the start of something new, something good. Nothing like this. And the girl, she was only 15 - just a freshman in High School. I can't imagine how devestated their parents must be. I mean I didn't know these people too well and it tears me apart because you never want to see anything like this happen to the people you know. You wouldn't even wish it upon people you don't like. And it's just so hard to deal with considering my school's past track record where we've had people die there every year since my freshman year. And last year was especially hard because we lost so many people, friends, coaches in unthought-of tragedies. It's so surreal because these are people you have classes with, people that you see smiling in the halls everyday and just like that they're gone. It really puts things into perspective. I was watching the Tech game with some old High School friends and some friends from Tech and one of our friends came over and told us what happened and after that, we all just sat there in disbelief reminiscing... saying "oh he was in my class," or "he was the nicest kid I knew," etc. Obviously afterwards, no one really paid attention to the Tech game (although Tech made a good come back). Lesson: Don't ever let life pass you by. I can't believe this is my reality. But you know, you just take it as it comes. It's just so... there aren't even words, you just don't think that any of this can happen to anyone you know. You graduate with high hopes, you graduate with anticipation for a new and improved you, a bigger, better world. You graduate with the intentions of exploring the infinite abyss... and you stand firm and believe that everyone you graduate with will have as much passion for life as you do. You graduate with this much passion for life, because the past four years of yours you've witnessed so much pain, you've witnessed the death of so many loved ones not once, but countless times. You've cried for weeks and when you think, you've maybe found a way to cope with this one incident something else happens and it never stops. You've seen the victim's mother come into school and break down while trying to utter "thank you for being so supportive" while fighting back tears. You can't believe you're referring to your fellow friends as "vicitims." You can't believe this has happened more than once. You can only imagine how the other family feels. You get pissed off because when you just want to hug your friend and cry on his shoulder, there's a fucking camera in you're face not letting you park in you're own damn school parking lot so that they can get a comment out of you. You get mad because the press is everywhere, at the victim's memorial service, blocking you're parking lot, stopping you in the Starbucks parking lot when all you want to do is try to get some caffeine becuase you didn't sleep since you cried all night... just so they can get a fucking quote about the victim. Well this just in, victim's have names, they have friends, and they have families - all of whom love them and knew them by their name and not as a "victim." The press didn't know YOUR friend and it makes you sick to your stomache because your pain is being broadcast to people you don't even know. Sometimes, I just wonder when this madness will just stop. When will everyone stop crying because it always feels like just when one wound is healed there's something that will trigger a new one and all my old memories come flooding back and you can't help but just feel so depressed so often when this is a regular occurance in you're life. And the fact that you just cannot make any sense of what goes on, the fact that there are no answers is just terrifying. A lot of people ask me why I am so sad all the time. And this is why. It's because this is a never ending cycle that repeats all the time. There's only so much you can deal with before breaking down and just letting it go completely. I do not "have it together" - not as "together" as everyone thinks I have it. And I'm starting to realize that that's okay, but I just can't deal sometimes you know? I mean events like this occuring once are enough to make people break down. But when this happens all the time, more than once, every single year for four years with the last year being the roughest with 6 people within the same month... you can't help it- you're just a mess. It takes it's toll on you. And with this type of thing, you never actually heal and every time it happens, it's like it's repeating all over again and someone is just ripping your heart out time after time. You see your friends greiving, you see parents just torn apart because their only son or daughter is never coming back. You appreciate your friends and family so much more and you realize it shouldn't take something like this to make you appreciate all that life has to offer. It's just so sad and right now I have no more words...

It's a bittersweet, symphony - that's life.

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