It's strange... thoughts come into my head at 3am and I can't sleep so, I'm forced to run to my computer and just write... (PS: I also forgot to take my crazy medicine, so since I had to get up and play the meds game... I figured I may as well get this off my mind and go to sleep rather than just tossing and turning. Oh yeah, my meds suck, I've had weird habits lately, but I guess I'll save that for another blog entry however, it may just be entirely too boring so I may skip it all together).

Okay so thoughts that have plagued my mind tonight include the subject of dating (and this is probably the closest I'll get to sharing such thoughts in a blog because most of you who know me, know that I tend to keep these thoughts private and don't talk about them much... namely Matt who gets mad because he "spills his guts out to me" and I do not do the same and that's because I believe reciprocity is unnecessary in some cases ... but that is a different topic to be discussed at a later time) back to the subject, sorry for the detour.

Okay so dating. I hate it with an exotic passion then multiply that by one million. I think it's so awkward... and as you can probably see, I am not one to indulge in dating (I know a lot of you think it's wonderful and that's great, we all have our own feelings towards the subject). Dating is horrible, I really wish I could skip it all together. Namely because throughout the course of your lifetime but specifically at this point in our lives, in college, we will date a lot of people, or at least go on dates with a lot of people. I guess I could say I have been guilty of playing this game throughout the semester, but I hate it. Why? Because you just end up going on dates with a lot of people and most of the time it doesn't work out, and then, when you see the second party on campus (which shall be often because you just cannot win in this game of avoidance), it's painfully awkward and you just wish to crawl into a hole and never come out.
The worst is when you go on the date and have a horrible time where you secretly pray that the night would end. You plan an activity and in theory, everything should work out, he's a nice guy, you're a nice girl, your friends all approve and tell both of you to go for it... but then you go through the motions of testing the theory and it turns out you have nothing to say to one another, and the awkward silences throughout your night is worst than the tension between the Montagues and the Capulets. Great another horrible date making you wonder why you even try. Okay here's another horrible scenerio... you meet a really nice guy, possibly the nicest guy in the world, but you don't like him in that way, he makes a great friend and you know that, everyone knows that, but! he likes you, therefore, making things really awkward. And you can't help but feel bad for this guy because he is just so nice and you don't want the whole "nice guys finish last" to be the case for him, because it's entirely false, but you just don't see him in the way that he sees you so even being friends with him makes for an uncomfortable situation. Okay, here's the last one... again, in theory this should work because your friends are all friends with one another and you may be acquaintances who have never actually talked until one day you meet at a party and well you're a bit inebriated and he is as well and okay so you're talking and you're like cool, things will work out between us. So you hang out and all is good, it should work out in theory, again he's a nice guy, and your friends all know and like each other which is even better, but then after weeks of going back and forth and playing this "group hang" game or even one on one outing game... you realize you're just not feeling it. And it's horrible because you really mean no harm - none of this leading on stuff, you just simply have come to the conclusion that it won't work out and you can't put your finger on why. Perhaps it's because you're so much alike which is great, again working out in theory, but for some reason, you don't feel "it." Whatever "it" is... but you know "it" is not there. Wait, I lied, there is one more... there is the category of the person who caters to you and thinks that by pretending to like everything that you like is going to impress you. It's okay if we don't like the same things, it keeps it interesting. However, I am picky when it comes to music and as I've said before... that's a sore subject, maybe I'll get over it because there is probably one other guy in the world who can agree with my music selection and I already know who that is. I've seen girls listen to certain types of music because the guy they like loves the band or what not... it's horrible. It's so fake. Everyone is so fake. We're all guilty of this though. I'd be a hypocrite if I told you I've never done this before in my life (learn from your mistakes right?) - the whole idea is so vulgar. I wonder why any of us even try. The "thrill of the chase" as they say, really isn't much of a thrill in my experience, it's more of a process that gets boring and repetitive and only adds stress and ups awkward encounters. And that my friend is the summation of the ridiculous games that we play. I'm guilty, you're guilty, we're all guilty of this.

I always think it would be so much easier to skip this whole dating stage all together and just meet the person that compliments you and have everything just click. Dating is a burden and I mean after a few scenarios like the ones I've listed below, you end up just hating "the game" and also popping a lot of excedrin for the migranes that such events cause you because oh no, it's not over when the date ends... no because that would be FAR too simple. No, you have to interact with these people time and time again, each exchange becoming more and more cumbersome, making you wish you could just disappear or steal Harry Potter's invisiblity cloak. It kind of makes you wonder if all this trouble is even worth it. I think a lot of times, we all try too hard. I'm not gonna lie "we love love" - Kathryn and I sure do! But it's times like these, where I just sit and reflect and wonder why we try so hard to find it when really, we should just sit back and wait awhile and let things just happen. Why do we feel a constant need for a catalyst to speed things up. It's unnatural. Dating = a catalyst in my opinion... a catalyst that leads to disaster. I hate it, I think I should just stop doing it all together. New resolution for 2005 perhaps? Take a vow of "sitting back and waiting awhile until things just happen" because things always have a way of working themselves out beautifully. Like the rainbow after the rain... of course metaphorically the rain is the act of dating, but NOPE not for Mary 2005. Mary 2004 has made many mistakes but Mary 2005 will be different. You heard it here first.