It's so hard.

It's true! To us, Ryan Clark was bigger than Superman.

I've never experienced the death of a friend before and it has been an uphill battle for me. It's currently 4:22 am and I can't sleep. I keep thinking about Stack and how much I miss seeing him around. I cry all the time and am so consumed by it that I shake. I don't understand, and it hurts so much more knowing that he was so full of promise. I look at his pictures and I break down everytime. I want so much to visit his stone on the drillfield and maybe just reflect but I honestly don't know if I can handle it. There are moments throughout the day when I'm with my friends and I'm feeling okay but it's these moments when I'm alone and I realize that he isn't here that I just break down like this. It's so surreal. I visited UVA this weekend for Foxfield and my friend I was staying with had a copy of the most recent Time magazine and all 32 victims were on the cover. Stack, a couple weeks ago who was just a normal college student is now on the cover of Time magazine. I don't believe it. He meant so much and it hurts to just see his life summed up in a few sentences or used as a headline for some news article. We drove through parts of the state this weekend, and I saw that some of the flags were not at half mast anymore and it was saddening to me. I know that this tragedy does not effect everyone else as much as it effects Tech students, but it was kind of a sign that people were ready to forget and move on. That is just very unsettling to me just because this event hit so close to home, and I know that the official period of mourning is generally a week, but I can't help but think that the flag that flies inside me for my Hokie family will forever be at half mast. I'm having a hard time accepting this.

New link

If you notice to the right of this blog under "Frequented" I've added a new link called "Plaid Avenger." A former professor of mine, John Boyer shares his unique and often times hilarious thoughts on world news and events. CHECK IT OUTTT. John Boyer is hands down one of the BEST professors I've had at Virginia Tech. I took World Regions with him as an elective and it was easily one of my favorite classes I've had here. Because of him, I can probably name and geographically point out some pretty obscure countries, their capitals, and their presidents. List some facts about how these presidents came to power, and why they are loved or hated. UNDERSTANDING is the huge lesson I got from him. I know that sounds cliche, but honestly, it took a class like this to really open my eyes to the things going on around me not just domestically but abroad as well. I learned how connected we all were and how rebels taking over a plant in a remote area in Africa can have an effect on ME. Anyway, I'm not too sure where I was going with this other than I compoletely appreciate everything John Boyer has taught me and plus, I think the man is awesome. He is a legend on this campus. I'm pretty sure most everyone here has taken or plans to take a class with him before they graduate. Anyway, take a look at his blog.

Sorry this is so incoherent.

Today marks one week.

VT resumed classes today. I had a dream last night where I was looking at Stack's Facebook wall and reading all the wonderful things that his friends have written about him and how they are all so sad that he is gone and he came back and told us that it was a mistake and that something went wrong and they just released the wrong name - that he wasn't really dead. I remember being SO incredibly relieved after hearing him say that. It's just sad because it felt so real and I think it's because I really wanted that to be the truth. I really want him to still be here. I'm having a hard time accepting what happened. I woke up abruptly this morning a few hours before my first class to sirens blaring on the street outside. It felt like the movie Groundhog Day. I thought it was happening all over again until I finally came to my senses. I've talked to a lot of people that live by me and they said they had the same reaction when they heard it this morning too. It's good to know I'm not completely losing it. I got to class at 12 only to find out that class wasn't meeting today. I guess I never got the e-mail. Today our academic buildings had signs on the entrances that said that the media were not to enter. Well... apparently there were news affiliates that dressed up as students and tried to sit in on some classes. Some professors had cops right outside the classroom ready to arrest them, while others would not tolerate them being in class and asked them to leave. I'm pretty sure we had one guy sit in on one of my classes. He didn't have a camera or anything just a pencil and pad of paper. I don't know how I felt about it. It's a HUGE intrusion and I think it kind of crosses the line. On the other hand, he was pretty respectful, he didn't say anything and just minded his business. I understand these people have a job to do and families to support, but capitalizing on someone's pain very obviously is where I draw the line. Don't stick a camera in somebody's face when they are crying. If you must get footage, do it at a distance, you know? My friends who went to the vigil this morning said that CNN was right behind them and the guy's cell phone went off during the moment of silence and though he didn't answer it, he wasn't quick enough to turn it off because it obviously disturbed others. They also said whispers of "get footage of that right there" were abundent during this moment of silence and everyone agrees that it's just rude. Again if you must get footage, do it respectfully or don't come at all. We will ask you to leave and at times we may not be so polite about it.

That Smile...

I miss it so so much.

Random

I got some Keds today. Doing so made me feel like I was 5 years old all over again, but how could I resist? They are so comfortable. Plus, these are all pre-destroyed thus making them "hip." Ha ha, JOKES!

Being away from Virginia Tech for the past couple of days have made me feel pretty normal again. I have removed myself from the situation which makes me feel a little more detached. However, I'll be headed back tomorrow and I think Monday will definately begin to flood back, especially upon seeing all the memorials set up. Things won't be the same - I know that for sure, but in looking out for myself, I have signed up to meet with a counselor to see if I can try to get all my feelings sorted out. There's obviously a lot I have on my mind, there's a lot I've neglected to deal with because I am currently home so I feel that this is a necessity when I get back. I want to be able to move on and to one day accept what happened. I feel this is what's best for me right now.

Hokie Hope

Virginia Tech Alumni have declared tomorrow an Orange & Maroon Effect day. Traditionally, there are two days during the football season where everyone in the stands will wear one of the two colors so the games will be called "Orange effect" or "Maroon effect." Anyway, in order to show solidarity tomorrow, VT alumni as well as current VT students ask those who wish to participate to wear our school colors. You don't have to be dressed to the nines, a simple ribbon will do. For the official statement, click on this link or this one.

We ARE Virginia Tech

The response to the reading of this poem by Nikki Giovanni was astonishing. In Cassell, they chanted "Let's Go Hokies" and in the Stadium one side chanted "Let's Go" as the other responded with "Hokies" (which is standard procedure at any football game) as tears rolled down everyone's cheeks. That was the first time I really felt any sense of encouragement. This was the first time that I felt that I could actually move on. And when we saw the shot of Frank Beamer and his wife crying during all of this... we just broke down. But I must say the worst moment during convocation was when a family member of the victim was so overwhelmed with grief that he had to be removed from the service. I cannot imagine he is going through. My heart sank. Convocation was a step in the right direction - it has not made things easier, but at least we know that the healing process has begun. Additionally, the out pour of support from around the nation and the world is remarkable. In the place of college rivalry, comes overwhelming comraderie. Every time I see a "4.16.2007 - today we are all hokies" sign or message, a piece of me sinks and I wish I could personally thank everyone. I see that my hometown baseball team "The Nationals" wore Virginia Tech baseball caps to their game today and it moved me to tears. I cannot express my gratitude to all of you who have sent encouraging words - it helps so much at a time like this. I went to sleep crying last night and woke up crying. I wanted so much to wake up this morning and just realize it was all a horrible nightmare. Reality sets in and now I understand that the next few days, and months will be a journey to heal. Thank you for supporting me through all of this from the bottom of my heart.

Nikki Giovanni's Poem

We are Virginia Tech
We are sad today
And we will be sad for quite a while
We are NOT moving on
We are embracing our mourning
We are Virginia Tech
We are strong enough to stand tall tirelessly
We are brave enough to bend to cry, and sad enough to know
We must laugh again
We are Virginia Tech
We do not understand this tragedy
We know we did nothing deserve it
But neither does the child in Africa, dying of AIDS
Neither do the invisible children, walking the night away to avoid being captured by rogue army
Neither does the baby elephant, watching his community be devastated for ivory
Neither does the Mexican child looking for fresh water
Neither does the Appalachian child, killed in his own crib, in the home his father built with his own hands, being run over by a boulder because the land was destabilized
No one deserves a tragedy
We are Virginia Tech
The Hokie nation embraces our own and reaches out with open heart and hands to those that offer their hearts and minds
We are strong and brave and innocent and unafraid,
We are better than we think and not quite what we want to be
We are live to the imagination
And the possibility we will continue to invent the future
Through our blood and tears
Through all this sadness
We are the Hokies
We will prevail
We will prevail
We will prevail
WE ARE
VIRGINIA TECH

There is no preparing for a goodbye like this.

4.16.2007 - Goodbye Ryan Clark, you were a PHENOMENAL human being. I love and miss you.

My phenomenal friend Ryan "Stack" Clark lost his life this morning. I am shocked and grief-stricken. Words cannot even begin to describe the person that Ryan was. I am blessed and honored to have even cross paths with a person as beautiful as Ryan. It always seems that the good die young. I met Stack my first year at Virginia Tech when I was the new "freshman" that showed up to the first service meeting. I was awkward and he could tell that I didn't know anyone so he came up and introduced himself to me and talked to me the whole meeting. I will never forget that about him - his ability to make you feel completely at home. He was the kind of person that everyone knew and on a campus as large as Virginia Tech's that's quite impressive. He had a passion for helping others - he died doing just that. He was loved and will be missed tremendously. I can't believe I have to say goodbye to him.

Hokies United.

I will never forget today. Words cannot explain the deep hurt that the Virginia Tech community feels right now. This is just far too heavy. The death toll keeps multiplying and I am terrified at the thought of finding out who the victims were in the next couple of days. I'm most horrified to see the pictures of these victims flash on news sites and realizing that I recognize them. I can't believe this is our reality right now. I am thankfully okay and I really appreciate all the calls and messages I'm getting, but PLEASE keep the victims of today's unthinkable events in your hearts, thoughts, and prayers. As University President Charle's Steger has already said, "this is a tragedy of monumental proportions."

Proud to be a Hokie,

Mary

Computer Help

Okay it's about time for a new computer. I am trying to decide between Mac and Sony's Vaio. I currently have a Vaio right now and it's been good to me. My only peeve is that their coustomer service is pretty bad. I've never had any major problems with my Vaio aside from the one time my CD drive stopped working... However, I don't think that's a big enough deal to keep me from getting another Vaio. It's just time for something a little sleeker, lighter, and easier to carry around with me everywhere. I'm liking the Macs because the lap top battery is not the equivalent of a brick and they're also light with a nice design. I'm just not sure how smooth the switch will be for me going from PC to Mac. Hmm, any ideas? For those of you who own Macs, how do you like them? How was the transition and have you had any problems?

"Everything was beautiful and nothing hurt."

Kurt Vonnegut died last night at 84. A great loss to our generation as he has written many books that my friends and I would consider life-changing or at least very thought provoking. His work challenged the way we thought and I'm glad we at least have those literary works to hold on to. I don't know what else to say... it's a sad day for a lot of us.

And so it goes...

MMM MMM delicious.

I just wanted to take the time to tell everyone about how delicious Snyder's Cheddar Cheese Pretzel Pieces are. They are my new obsession and because they are pretzels, they make me feel better about eating them than say chips even though they may not necessarily be better for me. Anyway, next time you're walking through the snack asile of your grocery store, pick up a bag of these and thank me later. SO YUMMY.

On a not so delicious note... has anyone been outside today? Gross. April showers bring May flowers ... I guess. This week is looking so bad weather wise it looks like the boating/tubing trip to the lake will have to be cancelled. Sorry guys.

Oh and Larry Birkhead is the dad. SURPRISE!

Tuesday's Thoughts...

- The high today is 79 degrees, the projected highs for the rest of this week do not exceed 50 degrees. What the eff?

- My afternoon classes were cancelled yesterday due to... you know, your average BOMB THREAT.

- Update on New Years Resolution: Still gymming at 6am every morning... running 3 miles before classes now. I feel great.

- On a semi-new years resolution note (eating well etc) when I am tempted to eat a sweet cold treat as Spring would encourage, I've found that Sugar free Jell-O is a great alternative. I'm obsessed. Favorites include Strawberry & Raspberry

- Is Marie Antoinette worth seeing? Anyone?

- New Balance came out with some Joy Division shoes. I don't know how I feel about that. Speaking of Joy Division, does anyone know what happened to the production of the biographical movie on Ian Curtis?

Update -----> The movie is called "Control" and here's more info.

Things that girls spend their weekends discussing

Okay well here goes... for those who are brave enough to read what will probably be rant that is far too long in regards to the opposite sex.

I visited a good friend of mine this weekend at Wake Forest and right now in particular she's going through a tough time. She has just gotten out of a long term relationship recently, but has found herself moving on and happy with the person she is now with, however her ex is having trouble letting go and is still trying to win her back which is causing a lot of turmoil for her.

While she was explaining her situation to me, our girl talk naturally progressed to talking about relationships in general and what works and what doesn't work. We got to talking about what we wanted out of relationships and what we think is most important and what has gone wrong in the past that has made us realize this.

Before I compile our great list for you, let me just reiterate the fact that I happen the be the most commitment-phobic person ever. Usually, when I get to the point in a relationship with someone where they want to take it to the next level and "commit" or put a title on the relationship such as girlfriend/boyfriend... I freak out and call it all off. When I explain to the person, whoever it happens to be, that it is not them and that it's me - they are disappointed and hurt that I give them this cliche and non-descriptive answer. But, honestly, that's really what it is. It's ME. I don't know why I cannot accept commitment. Maybe it's because I really enjoy my independence and perhaps I'm afraid that this person will not understand that and I don't want to hurt anybody so I stop it before it begins. I also think this is why I tend to lean towards long-distance relationships, because I still get to have my independence while maintaining a deeper connection with someone but not feel suffocated at the same time.

So here's our list... I guess the above was a terrible segway into it, but I did warn you that this would be a rant...

The guy must be okay with...

- not eating dinner together everyday
- not spending every waking hour of existance together
- most of my friends being guys (hey, it's plutonic!!! plus, this school has a terribly skew guy: girl ratio, get over it)
- me wanting this person to hang out with his friends and not hang out with me
- not completely changing just for someone else
- me having lunch with an ex-boyfriend from time to time (I think this is the ultimate test)
- my friends, and even if he dosen't like them he must be friendly with them
- me not wanting to hang out from time to time
- me going out by myself or doing things alone
- my independence and with that hopefully comes the ability for this person to accept that and not take it from me.