Thursday, September 30, 2004
- He is studying in London, in a flat with an astounding view. He has never ever felt so passionate about life and his work as he does now. I love him. He is a world away. Thousands of miles between us. I can't bring myself to tell him. I had a dream about him last night where he saved my life and minutes later I had to save his. We saved each other. He's too far gone... too many miles away, with no idea.
As for the other... he'll never know. He will never catch on. And that's the way it goes.
I hate love. I hate the concept of love. Because it doesn't fucking exist. I'm okay with that because tonight I've come to the conclusion that maybe I have my hopes up. Maybe, I should just settle for something not even worth settling for because I'd rather do that then wait around and find "Mr. Right" or "Mr. Perfect" The search is now on for "Mr. Real" because Mr. Right and Mr. Perfect have teamed up and died. Why bother trying to find something that you'll never have. It's just a waste of time and effort so I'm not even going to worry about it. Why? Because I can. I always wondered why people stayed with others that made them so sad, ones that would even make them cry every single day. "Love hurts" they would answer. Shouldn't love fucking be euphoric bliss? This is evidence that it's not. Don't tell me I'm being emo, do not tell me I am out of line because frankly, YOU have probably been in a relationship similar to the one I just talked about. You guys kill me.... watching you kills me... listening to you kills me.
I hate it. I HATE LOVE. I'm not being cynical. It's something that's so unattainable that reaching for it just makes you feel worse. You wonder why people like Conor Oberst are the way they are... and it's because they can't keep putting on a fake smile anymore, they can't take watching others fall into their downward spiral, pretending that everything is okay. It's NOT okay. Everyone else is jaded by this concept and will continue to be. They'll get married, buy that 4 bedroom house, park 2 mercedes in front of it, have 3 children and pretend to live happily ever after while they have affairs with their co-workers, their kids do coke, and they commute 1 hour to work every morning. They're all miserable. He knows they're miserable. Why go through all that trouble to be so fucking miserable? WHY?
It's not even worth half the trouble you go through. It's not worth wasting your time or heart on.
I want a lover I don't have to love
I want a boy who's too drunk to give a fuck
Where is the kid with the chemicals
I've got a hunger and I can't seem to get full
Wednesday, September 29, 2004
Doups of CAN: the 11 o'clock rule dies again tonight
Surf N Waves 04: ha ha and it gets shot to hell in a gas suit
Doups of CAN: and it's all cause of stupid hmwrk
*For those of you who are not familiar with the 11 o'clock rule. It's basically where you drop all you're doing and go to sleep. Can I just say that I CALLED THIS. I knew he would break it becuase I've been there and done that. So basically this is me telling you "I told you!" The 11 o'clock rule never works.
Doups of CAN: i'm seriously considering RIT though
Doups of CAN: wasn't that the school that offered u a scholarship?
Surf N Waves 04: yes
*Doups is following in my footsteps. Clearly, he wants to be ME. GO TO R I FUCKING T. It's amazing.
Doups of CAN: !
Doups of CAN: that's the new thing, from now on, i'm gonna add the last letter of each word i write, to the next word
Doups of CAN: fantastic, u are an inspiration
* Damn straight.
Doups of CAN: well, i can see that your college education's progressing nicely
Doups of CAN: and thanks for all the info and advice
Doups of CAN: alright, you're amazing
Doups of CAN: goodnight
Doups of CAN: or rather, bonsoir
* I try. I try. Okay so this part of the conversation is rather obscure but we talked about some pretty intense things and because of my awesome knowledge in the field of Psychology, I was able to help him which is AWESOME. At least I know I'm doing something right... I helped somebody today and it feels good. And the person was Doups... who NEVER asks for help. I'm flattered.
Tuesday, September 28, 2004
Monday, September 27, 2004
There's a rule in the book that says
It's got to be fun
I hate to admit but my feelings have changed
Everybody expects to hear a love song
Love can't come from something, baby, that never was
And I'm leaving behind
The you in my mind
Though I know it's new
It's something I'll try
And I'll always remember
The way that we cared for
Our time, or time
There's a time and a place where thoughts are discovered
A package of ten all the sheets that I need
What I call a gift can't be given to many
But loving a friend, baby, just ain't the same
Well I'm leaving behind
The you in my mind
THough I know it's new
It's something I"ll try
And I'll always remember
The way that we cared for
Our time, our time
Sorrow hangs like a halo, baby, on my head
But regret will never fill my vacant heart, no.
Sunday, September 26, 2004
This is Emo Matt. He likes to cry a lot. You think I'm joking... but I'm not. Anyway we heart Emo Mizzat. He is also single and paying me for ad space on my blog. Think of this like his personal. Inquire here (here, being the comment thing below)
Matty is also really good at random ego boosters ...
e n u M 3 r i x: im telling ya
e n u M 3 r i x: you are money
e n u M 3 r i x: you are so fuckin money
To that Rachel says...
rachel6586: mary is money!!! haha
Saturday, September 25, 2004
I love EMO MATT! Seriously, this kid has the worst frikin luck ever. I feel so sorry for him sometimes. The innocent bystander that gets fucked over. So tonight, we decided to go out to a party. Sarah went to Radford for the night and she asked if I wanted to come, but I never really talked to Mike about going so I just didn't go. So Matt comes over and we hang out with Erica and her friends for awhile at an appartment party and then I found Drew and we went to another apartment party... and this is where it gets good.
So it's pretty much all of our fun friends and we all know each other so it's good times. There are a bunch of girls dancing on tables and your cliche guys... I love analyzing this social interaction (wow, i'm a nerd). So anyway Matt is just observing the crowd, socializing and having a good time. He's not even drinking and he's doing NOTHING wrong. So as we're talking he says, "Natalie" because she walked by and tapped her but I guess she spilt a little bit of her drink on her shirt and then freaked out and splashed her beer all over his shirt. It was AWESOME. Poor kid. I felt so bad for him, because if that were me I'd be so pissed off. Not gonna lie. Drew and I were laughing uncontrolably probably because we just couldn't believe that actually happend. It looked like something that came out of a horror movie. And out of all people for this to happen to... it's Matty! We love Matty! I am convinced he has the worst luck ever. I hugged him a few times because I just felt so bad for him. How would you react if someone did that to you over something that you didn't even mean to do? Reactions anyone? Leave a comment if you're reading...
Okay so that was pretty much the event of the night. Seriously wow. Provided so much entertainment... you wouldn't believe how much...
Okay so here are some quotes from the night that may not mean much to you but were pretty funny at the time. We had a pen so we wrote them on our hands as the night progressed so that we wouldn't forget later today which is by the way the day of the N.C. State Game... Get out of our Lane BITCHES. :)
Drew: Fuck alcohol!
Me: Fuck You!
As we're walking down Roanoke Street back to Campus...
Drew: Look Mary! It's zigma horseshoe!!!
Me: Too bad that's Zeta Psi
(I know my greek... what can I say?)
Drew: She's 17? She's old enough to be Gloria's mother!
Matt: Shut up.
Me: Drew, pinch me! Because I cannot believe that just happened!
Drew: PINCH ME! That just happened right?!
Me: Wait... okay just making sure that just happened.
Drew: Yep... that just frikin happened
Random Guys in Car: Hey baby, can we get your number?
Me (talking to the guys in the car while I'm on my cell phone): Uhhh... I don't have a cell phone.
Random Guys: You're talking on it right now! Stop lying!
Me: Ummm... it's not mine?!
Random Guys: Where are you going tonight?
Me: Not sure, I'm trying to find some friends of mine
Random Guys: We'll help you find them
Me: How thoughtful, but uh NO THANKS.
Drew: I'm just going to put my copy of the Wallstreet Journal right here on this tree stump.
Drew: If you see another one of those jerky rent-a-cops just act normal, don't give them the time of day... FUCK THEM.
Me: Yeah so my dad is the French Chemistry professor at Virginia Tech
Drew: His hands are behind his back... and he's not even walking in a straight line - it's so obvious that he's drunk.
Me: Dude, he's just preparing himself for when they cuff him. And that would be why his hands are convienantly located behind his back.
Drew: Oh look it's beer!
Me: Oh look it's a cop! Wave to your friend!
Tuesday, September 21, 2004
Debating whether or not to study abroad in London next fall...
And these were the responses:
tigatiga88: bad food worse weather
tigatiga88: i bet you could be so emo over there though
e n u M 3 r i x: no thats gay
Clearly they want me to stay so they can spend their days in my presence... jk. I want to stay, but I mean it's frikin LONDON! There's something magical about it - so it may not always be sunny clear skies but hey it's expected right? This is an experience of a lifetime and I know I need to go somewhere. The past 4 years have definately not been the best 4 of my life and it's fun here and all, but I think it would be nice to get away from all the craziness. I have way to much on my mind, too many expectations to live up to... from different people. Friends and family included.... moreso friends than family. My parents are all for me traveling. My mom is really exicted, I brought it up in conversation earlier today and she told me to go for it. My dad will probably just tell me to do what makes me happy so I figure he is all for it as well. My friends on the other hand say no. Maybe I need to get away from people I know. I love you guys, I do... but it's just, I don't know. There's too much to deal with, sometimes I just can't handle it. Especially when things happen and they're so trivial. Nobody is guaranteed another day so I don't even know why we let certain things get to us. I just think leaving will be a temporary solution to all this commotion and all this spinning... "My head's a carousel of pictures, the spinning NEVER stops" <~ Conor Oberst couldn't have said it better, but it's so true. I can't deal and it seems like there's always so much going on and nothing is ever clear and it would be nice to be able to start over fresh and temporarily erase everything even if it IS just for a semester. I know most of you are thinking, hey maybe she's running away from her problems and yes, that is partly true. I also love England so why not run away to England? And just think if I were based in England I could go to other countries over the weekend... Sounds like a good plan to me but there are also things keeping me here so I don't know...
What do you guys think? Carden and Matt vote no. Jane votes yes.
Monday, September 20, 2004
This is the latest:
Spark up the caffiene and nicotine binge and that's pretty much the pattern of how my day begins.
That halo fell from your head to your neck.. now your just another whore with a pretty necklace.
Sometimes you wonder if these guys need hugs.
Check out this website RIGHT NOW:
For those of you wondering what the above link is... it's a website collaboration between a few New York City photo-bloggers. I absolutely LOVE this. The pictures are phenomenal and so artistic. I am especially IN LOVE with New York through Chris Glenn's camera lense. They are so aesthetically pleasing. If this doesn't make you want to pack up all your things and move to New York, I don't know what will. I know that if I could I'd be on the next flight out of Dulles Airport to New York in an instant. Absofuckinglutely amazing talent.
Maybe I'll hold my breath and you'll be gone
^ That of course = Some lyrics to Brace Yourself... aka my favorite part of the song. It's so true though. That's how life works, people come and go with the blink of an eye. People lead you on, you lead others on and that's the way the wheel keeps turning (John Mayer reference, did anyone catch that?) PS: I hate John Mayer, he's an ass... his music on the other hand, tuggs at the heart strings - Strange how that works.
I love Howie Day. Howie Day, please come to Virginia Tech so I can rape you.
This entry is pretty much pointless - I'm just trying NOT to do my English paper.... yeah.
Thoughts anyone? If so then leave a comment, preferably not one that whores out the word "love" cough Greg cough... so in other words, do not pull a "Greg."
Sunday, September 19, 2004
That was carden in response to my away message which was:
This is because I can spell konfusion with a k and like it
It's to dying in another's arms and why I had to try it
It's to Jimmy Eat World and those nights in my car
When the first star you see may not be a star
Lyrics from Konstantine of course.
And then Kenneth said after I told him about what Carden said...
gnossienne01: later emo goddess of my soul
Sometimes I feel like my life is punchline for a joke that I'm not let in on.... are you guys mocking me? Ha ha I heart you anyway.
Friday: I went to Squires and saw Naturally Sharp and Juxtaposition (both a capella groups) sing and open for Pat frikin McGee. We decided that we'd become Juxtaposition groupies because Zack is the man. Then Pat McGee sang and I felt like I was a 12 year old at an Nsync Concert. He was phenomenal and completely AWESOME. He came into the crowd and stood right in front of me so we all pretty much touched him and it was great. Then... someone threw a cell phone up on stage and he talked to the girl on the phone who goes to UVA (boo) and sang to her! *Melts* After the concert he stuck around and did a meet and greet kind of thing and I got my CD signed... again *melts* It was good times.
Saturday: I was going to stay in but Sarah dragged me out since I hadn't gone out with her in awhile and I was kind of glad that she did. We went to Lambdi Chi which was AWESOME up until the point where I got sick. Wow thanks life. But everyone there was really nice and asked if I was okay and took care of me which was really awesome of them. I hope I wasn't a pain in the butt. Sarah said I was okay so I believe her. We decided that Lambdi Chi is one of our favorite places to go. The guys there are really chill and that's good. All in all it was good times.
This morning SUCKED! I woke up with a cold, my throat hurt and I looked like death. Great awesome! But it was a good weekend so it was worth it. Definately the best weekend I've ahd since I've been here.
Saturday, September 18, 2004
Can't stand the pain anymore
You were the best of love
What was I thinking of?
... I don't know.
I wish I just knew what was going through your head right now. I wonder if I did the right thing by deciding to just leave it and move on. I'm frustrated. You frustrate me to no end. And even through all of that, I'm not even mad at you. I hate going around in circles and never knowing what to expect. And I know you know it's not fair to either one of us. So what do we do? What do I do? Last week I was so sure what I wanted to do, I just wanted to forget anything ever happened and just move on. But all of that changed and now I'm back to square one. Moving around in circles - indecisive. unsure. unwilling.
Friday, September 17, 2004
I said I'd walk you home after our third round of pouring whiskey down the barrel of our guts and I grabbed hold of your hand. We're up and we're out and we're yelling through the streets and I'm out of my fucking mind and I know you're next to me but I must confess what's in my head. Keep pumping now, legs to beat the ground, and our hearts to beat the band. The sky's on fire again. Run down this alleyway. Lightning bolts again and we become fireflies just flashing at the air. Rattle garbage cans. Prepare to be ravaged by our lust burning mad, the fire that we've become. And I know you're under me but I must confess what's in my head: To me you are the light from a light bulb that breaks sometimes and the tender warmth inside is released into my life and it smothers me in flames that lick and scorch my face. As the smoke reaches the sky know I'm burning tonight. Know I'm burning tonight. Know I'm burning tonight. Know I'm burning tonight. Know I'll burn for you tonight.
Okay so obviously that's Firefly by Saves the Day... I think this is one of my favorite songs off of Stay What You Are.
So as I was singing along tonight, I was thinking about the song lyrics and what they meant and damn Chris knows his shit. I mean he wrote this song about being drunk and sexing it up. With the lightbulb as a total metaphor. And you tell me I like shitty music "Go Go Go shorty it's your birthday" - Are you kidding me? Your music sucks! :) Anyway, yeah I just had to rant because I was listening to this and I think this is the best song about drunkeness and doing stupid things while you're drunk but underneath it all really being in love.
G fucking G Chris.
Thursday, September 16, 2004
- Nights where I have a clear view of the stars
- Walks on the beach (in California of course)
- Tiny fragments of perfection
- Days where I feel that I am invincible
- Nights with the people you love the most
- Running in the rain with friends
- Hurricane ultimate frisbee
- Nights where I climb out of sunroofs (ha ha Jase)
- 73 degree days
- Ocean waves
- Ocean breezes
- Nights that mean more to me than anything in the world
- Saying goodbyes and starting over
- Jamba Juice
- Concerts at Wolftrap (ie. Howie Day)
- Concerts at the Black Cat
- Concerts at the 9:30 club
- Washington, DC
- Orange County, California
- Argentina & Portugal
- The thought of Mr. Right
- The realization that it's better to find Mr. Real
- Acoustic music via Howie Day or Jason Mraz's magical fingers
- Andrew McMaHon's Piano and Piano playing
- Searching for an answer
- The first kiss with that new someone
- Paris and romance "La vie de Romance" <~ my poster doesn't lie.
- Foreign films
- Indie films
- Film festivals
- Sunset Blvd.
- My friends and family
- Nights where I have long, meaningful, deep conversations with people I don't know too well and people I do know too well
- Nights that I can sit on a swing with someone in silence and not feel awkward
- Nights where there is nothing to do but drive around with friends
- Standing in fountains
- Memories of the past
- Promises of a better tomorrow
- Warm Tea
- Euphoric Bliss
Wednesday, September 15, 2004
NYyanks2K4: well either this guy has way too much fuckin shit to sort out on his own or he's jus playin with u or somthin extremely immature and basic and its really not fair for u
NYyanks2K4: mary ur an extremely sweet, beautiful, and incredibly cool girl. u rank high on my cool ppl list, i mean that shout out meant somthin ya know? and i truly believe that someone like u doesn't deserve to be blown off like that.
NYyanks2K4: if its any consolation. if u ever jus need to talk to someone u know u can jus call me anytime
Thanks Colin, you made me feel a lot better. I had been having the shittiest week and a half.
I love my friends.
Abracadaver 03: i have a question
Surf N Waves 04: go for it
Abracadaver 03: i have some t-shirts that are slightly too large, how could I shrink them?
Surf N Waves 04: hot water
Abracadaver 03: how much would it shrink them?
Surf N Waves 04: really hot water
Surf N Waves 04: um if they're 100% cotton hopefully a full size
Abracadaver 03: could i get water that hot from the washer?
Surf N Waves 04: yeah
Surf N Waves 04: i think so
Surf N Waves 04: and then dry it hot
Abracadaver 03: okay
Abracadaver 03: thanks
Surf N Waves 04: yep
Abracadaver 03: when are we hanging out?
Surf N Waves 04: when do you want to?
Abracadaver 03: whenever
Surf N Waves 04: whenever is good
Abracadaver 03: hmm
Abracadaver 03: are you free any during the week?
Surf N Waves 04: not this week i have so much work to do
Surf N Waves 04: i'm such a nerd.
Abracadaver 03: hahaha
Abracadaver 03: okay
Abracadaver 03: we'll get it together soon
Surf N Waves 04: i promise i will
Abracadaver 03: good
Surf N Waves 04: mmm hmm
Surf N Waves 04: i'm gonna go read my life away and nerd it up
Surf N Waves 04: good luck with the t-shirts.
Abracadaver 03: thanks
Surf N Waves 04: yep. goodnight
Abracadaver 03: night
You know I just can't handle this
Handle this at all
And I'll just fall I
let my heartbeat drop
I falter as the music stops
And you watch me as I stall
And wonder when I fall
You know sometimes people disappoint you and they don't even realize it and it's times like these when you begin to lose all faith in them and wonder why you had so much faith in them. Today was one of those days and tonight was one of those nights where everything that could possibly hit the fan and come right back at you did and if there was one word to describe how I feel it's SHIT. Guys say girls are so hard to decipher sometimes when really the only way we feel the way we do sometimes is because they put us in this position.
This is it.
Tuesday, September 14, 2004
I don't know why I am so incredibly sad or why I have been the way I am lately. I don't know why I am so stressed out. My course load isn't even hard. What came first? The music or the misery? - I can tell you that the music adds to the misery. I don't know. I am so emotionally unstable right now it's ridiculous. I find myself on the verge of tears constantly and I have no explination.
What is wrong with me?
"Your Song" ~ Ewan McGregor (originally Elton John)
My gift is my song and this one's for you
And you can tell everybody that this is your song
It may be quite simple but now that it's done
I hope you don't mind, I hope you don't mind
That I put down in wordsHow wonderful life is now you're in the world
I sat on the roof and I kicked off the moss
Well some of these verses, well they, they got me quite cross
But the sun's been kind while I wrote this song
It's for people like you that keep it turned on
So excuse me forgetting, but these things I do
You see I've forgotten if they're green or they're blue
Anyway the thing is, what I really mean
Yours are the sweetest eyes I've ever seen
And you can tell everybody that this is your song
It may be quite simple but now that it's done
I hope you don't mind, I hope you don't mind
That I put down in words
How wonderful life is now you're in the world
I hope you don't mind, I hope you don't mind
That I put down in words
How wonderful life is now you're in the world
Song of the day: "I'll be here awhile" - 311
I'm catchin you on the filpflop to tell you my purevolume.com shit is up! YEAYUH! yeah, dude, wouldn't it be cool if when i visit tech that u set up a show for me and i could put in on the site. you could perform with me. Galapagos Finches would get her start as young and bright emo-minded rapper from No. VA! anyways just a thought cuz it would be so damn funny. hope college life is treating you well. still missin you homie. KEEP IT REAL! peace.
Colin is the best. He calls me "Finches" because it's short for Galapagos Finches... confused? - Let me explain. So we were joking around the other day and I told him that if I were to ever become a rapper (highly unlikely, but hey it could happen) my name would be Galapagos Finches and I'd rap about evolution as in the evolution of the finches on the Galapagos Islands... see it all makes sense now doesn't it and it also makes me look like a frikin nerd. Anyway so that's what's up. Colin, which I'm sure you have read about is going to fucking LA Film School in November and living on Sunset Blvd. I'm SO jealous. I wish I was all talented or whatever and could go to a school like that. Seeing as I have a non-existant portfolio, that would never happen. But he is visiting in October with Jason so hopefully we can make some type of documentary or something.
I don't know about you, but it's definately time for a frikin break. I'm so tired of people and their non-sense. Don't get me wrong I love College and it's great, but sometimes you just need to clear your mind and have nights to yourself where it's just you and all of your memories... Ha ha... Donnie Darko "If the sky were to open up, it would only be you and your memories" <~ Good movie, watch it.
I talked to Keirn last night and she had to evacuate. Actually Tulane declared a state of emergency and everyone had to pack their things and leave. Classes resume next Monday. So she flew to Houston. I told her to fly to Tech or back to Dulles Airport so she can drive down to Tech but no she's in Texas now. Errrr. I miss her - I won't see her until Winter Break because she won't be back for Thanksgiving! :( She told me to just go over to her house anyway because her mom would want to see me. I miss her family - they were my second.
It's only Tuesday. And now it's becoming more apparant to me now that I LIVE for the weekends. Which is kind of sad. But in all seriousness, I have nothing else to look forward to other than Friday and Saturday nights and Sunday mornings where I don't have to wake up. How college of me? Ha ha...
Monday, September 13, 2004
Just to lay you down, just to taste your lips
Just to keep me up, I'm so tired of sleeping
Just to lay inside you, and to know this feeling."
I want to marry Andrew McMaHon.
I don't know about you but I think that's a pretty sexual song. And the fact that Andrew McMaHon sings it coupled with the fact that he wrote it makes me want to do him... ON HIS PIANO.
I saw his piano the other day and based on that fact I LOVE him. I love the way he plays his piano. I like how he has written in black marker on the sides of his piano. I like how he stands on the keys at the end of some of his songs and just starts jumping up and down. I like how his hair is all over the place. I like how he screams into the microphone. I love his voice. I like his clothes and his flip flops and I love his songs. I think I want to marry him. Ha ha if only. I would so marry him in a second. So we can start making some babies on his piano.
PS: Of course I like most of you guys are whoring out the words marry and love... it's a sad sad thing.
PPS: I'm really not this hormonally charged. We recently just had the "I love Andrew McMaHon epiphany" in Lee 415.
- To make it through this year
- To know what I want to do as far as school situations go - do I transfer? do I stay?
- To love and to be loved (Conor Oberst style - 'cause i've made peace with the fallen leaves, i see their same fate in my own body... i won't be frightened when i'm awoken from this dream' sing along... common)
- To travel, I want to leave North America and go to Europe... everywhere in Europe, Italy, France, Germany, Spain. Then I want to go to Argentina, Portugal, Brazil, the Carribean, Australia, Fiji, Tahiti... I want to seel the world
- To spend a semester in London.
- To go to the Tate Moderne in London
- To meet Howie Day and of course Jason Mraz
- To start making some Vidblogs
- To not be sad all the time
- To accomplish half the things on this list
- To amount to something
- To meet more people
- To go to a GERMAN Club party... not like the language club... but the exclusive one we have on campus that's kinda like what you saw in the movie "The Skulls" or the equivalant to UVA's Z society or IMP... http://www.vtgc.net/
- To meet someone in the GERMAN Club
- To get Byan Randall (the QB of my VT's football team) to sign my frikin T-shirt.
- To get more sleep (I need it)
- To talk more about how I'm feeling... and to stop holding all my emotions in.
I'm working on it.
Sunday, September 12, 2004
and somehow it leaves me listless, my tongue curls under my lips oh yes
so I can't speak to tell you of the months before I met you
and the way the truth it locked us right about the time after the lightning shocked us
when we were young and missing round that small new england byway our lives they were sheltered then and I now I remember... now I can remember oh so well.
I love that Jason Mraz song. It's my favorite part. It's called 0% interest. You should download it if you can. It's wonderfully written.
I don't particularly like Sundays because I always have so much work to do today. I talked to Jane a lot today about some issues and I love being able to talk to her about things because she can relate so well. I don't know, I've kind of been pacing around today going around in circles regarding a certain topic and I can't concentrate on anything and I wish I could just resolve this thing right now and be done with it so I can do what I need to do but it still lingers and is in the back of my mind... I know I'm being vague. I hate being vague. I hate when people are vague because you never know what to expect and everything is open to interpretation which can make things so difficult because guys and girls interprate things in different ways. I wish things were black and white... I can't say I am a fan of ambiguity but you can't expect things to be black and white ever. So I kind of wish somebody would just tell me what to do.
So anyway... I really am sad. I don't know why. Something has been bothering me. I can't put my finger on it. Sometimes I'll find myself on the verge of tears, I don't know why. I don't think I'm depressed or anything like that. I just don't like living in a state of internal conflict and I mean it's hard to explain. I am not a big fan of talking about things either. I know I should, I'm just not, I like to keep things to myself and maybe that's bad. I was talking to Matt last night on our way back from The Cage and he was like yeah you never really talk about how you're feeling and he's like I know I always do, I'm such a girl, I tell everyone everything but you don't. And I know I don't. I don't know why I don't, things would be a hundred times easier if I just went ahead and got everything off my chest. But somehow I feel that if I do tell people, that I'm burdening them with my burdens and I mean as if people don't have too much on their plate already - it's like here HELP ME when you can't even help yourself.
I don't know I wish things were different.
Today was September 11. The 3 year anniversary if I remember correctly (see I am a total asshole, I can't even remember how many years ago it was) I feel really disrespectful of all who have given up their lives and for those who continue to do so by fighting overseas. Today was our first home game and I ended up going to that. Apparently we did some sort of tribute the Corps of Cadets did a formation and we talked about it and had the moment of silence or whatever. First of all, I missed all of that which kind of sucked because at least I would have been able to say that I did take part in some sort of memorial vigil today, but I didn't and I feel so bad. I feel bad that I was cheering for my football team - what a way to remember those who had died... I am such a jerk. And it just feels like we have all just forgotten too easily. I will remember that day for as long as I will live. I will remember where I was when I found out, who I found out from, how they said it, what time it was, who was with me... and just really little details. In comparison to last year, this year just didn't cut it as far as honoring those who had died. And I know you guys may be thinking, oh well just move on... but you know, now that I think of it, and what happened, who died, how they died, and when all the memories come rushing back... the only way I can "move on" is not by rooting for a football team but to remember the history that I was a part of and embrace it and just remember it for what it's worth to me and it didn't feel like I was able to do that today. Maybe it was just because I was in a college setting and today was game day, maybe it would be different if I were at home... but, I feel as though last year there were more candle light vigils. It wasn't even on the news and no one really talked about it or remembered it. It's kind of tragic to see us losing sight of what we said we'd change about ourselves as a result of what happened only to see that we've gone back to being the same as we were before... and even though we say we'll live everyday of our lives like it is the last because of this new insight we have gained... can we honestly say that we have lived everyday like it was our last and told everyone that we needed to tell that we loved them? I'm not going to lie there are people I should say I love you to that I don't and... I know I contradict myself and I hate it. I am such a jerk. I do appreciate what I have, and the life that I was given and the fact that I can live to see another day. Just thinking about those whose lives were cut short just kills me. It's tragic - there is so much to live for and it was not their choice to die but I trust that the man upstairs knows what he's doing and I find solace in that. I just wish we could have done a little more in their memory today and I know eventually the September 11th thing will die down as we get older (kind of like the whole Pearl Harbor thing) but 3 years seems a little too soon for this to be fading out. Now I'm not trying to tell people to relive the past and that horrible day because that can be painful, I'm just feel as though we should show more respect.
So I guess that's all for tonight.
Friday, September 10, 2004
From his August 24th Journal Entry ... this pretty much sums it up.
And when a move is made it’s nothing short of a magical moment. Fire is magic. A room painted a new color is magic. A vacation is magic. Avocados are magic. Music is magic. Friends are magic. The memory is magic. And so the adventurer realizes all is magic and he finds the will to continue his efforts and let whatever happens, continue to happen. This is how he stays so happy and motivated and free of fear to accomplish so much or so little depending on his desires. And with love, he’s in love with becoming what he’s becoming. He understands the subconscious will eventually perform a magic trick that will lead him to his life partner and an entirely new adventure will reveal itself. Until then he writes with wide hope and a loose wrist and paints with the fury of misfortune and sings from a collective sadness and sarcasm about what he thinks is true to date. He is aware of only what he is aware of and he is calm and comfortable with his settlement. This is just the way it’s supposed to be right now.
Thursday, September 09, 2004
WOW. Paris is definately an intriguing place.
I'm going to go CHECK my mail in Pritchard again for the 800th time and have people laugh at me. Then I AM GOING TO THE M'PHUCKIN RECORD STORE which I have been planning to do all week and just never got around to it.
PS: It stopped raining and la vita e bella. :)
Wednesday, September 08, 2004
On seeing an influx of emo kids on campus (who I absolutely love)
Yeah you know how vampires can only come out when it's dark out - emo kids can only come outside in the rain and that's why we keep seeing so many of them. I mean the rain symbolizes the tears of their broken hearts and tourtured souls... also the weather is shitty outside, if it were sunny and happy and nice, they'd have nothing to bitch and cry about
Tuesday, September 07, 2004
Speaking of which...
He told me that Teka had called and asked what was going on with us and was being kind of sketch about it. She told him that he and I were "ambiguous" and when he told me that I was just kind of like uhmmm what's that supposed to mean? So I told him, I'd get back to him when I found out. It's weird he was telling me how she was like something's going on and I'm going to find out what it is because I know these things. So I guess we'll see what she is going to "find out." Granted I think I already know.
Oh before going over to Drew and Matt's at Vawter, I went to Pilates... shit sucks. It's going to hurt tomorrow.
I also talked to Keirn tonight, I miss her a lot. Jase and I were supposed to go to California to visit Colin for Spring Break this year because Colin is going to Film School in LA... lucky. But Keirn said she wanted us to visit her in New Orleans because she's coming to Tech for her Spring Break. So now I'm really torn because I really want to go visit Colin in LA just because I want to see what he's been doing and I want to see all the flims that he is working on. He's actually visiting before he leaves sometime in October so hopefully we can do a Vidblog or maybe a joint-documentary or something. That would be good. Just like old times. Reed, I just realized we never set up a Video section on your website. Maybe you should open that section soon. Colin and I will have some stuff to contribute. Jase called and said he was going to be visiting in October too and I think when Colin comes he's going to go to the Wake Forest game with us so it'll be good times.
Note to self: Go to the Record Exchange store tomorrow. Or else. I've been meaning to get 2 CD's lately and our CD store on the corner here frankly sucks. Well kinda. It's got an okay selection, but most of the stuff I like isn't there so if the Record Exchange doesn't have it, it looks like I'll have to buy it online which SUCKS because the mail here takes SO long. A friend of mine sent me pictures on the 23rd of August and I received them on September 1st. Doesn't normal mail only take 2 days? Sometimes even 1? So anyway, I checked my mail today because my friend said she sent me a letter or what not awhile ago and I STILL haven't gotten it yet. She sent this a week ago and has been asking me every day. And every day I go to Pritchard to check my mail - I feel like an IDIOT because there is nothing there and the lady gives me this weird "i pity you" look. Really, I do have friends who send me letters. Really. Anyway, I asked her how long it takes for mail to come if it is sent from Northern Virginia. The answer I was expecting was 2-3 days... she told me 5. Yesss, thanks life. I think it's just because our school sucks at sorting mail. I don't blame them, there are 27,000 undergrads here - I'm sure it's a bitch to sort all that mail. However, I pre-ordered a CD online and if I don't get it on time, I'm going to be a little T.Oed because I'm supposed to get it BEFORE the release date, but knowing how things are going here, I probably won't get it until afterwards. Oh well, it happens. Rachel talked to me today and she told me her mom sent me something in the mail so that's exciting. I love her mom. It made my day. Seriously, today was shitty day number 2. That's 2 in a row! I had another pop quiz today in English but I raped it so that was good and then I went to the Math Emporium (which I dislike with an exotic passion) and I took my Unit Test and raped that too so academically it was a good day I guess. My parental units would be happy, but I don't care anymore. I don't even know why I'm majoring in what I'm majoring in. My parents picked it for me and I went along with it because I didn't know what I wanted to do and so far - it's really not bad at all. I hear so many horror stories about Pre-Med but right now everything is all gravy. I kinda wish I were talented like Colin so I could go to a cool school in LA and have a film career. Oh well, that's life. I hate that I "live for the weekends." I don't look forward to my week at all. The only thing that keeps me going is the thought that Friday is almost here and then when Sunday rolls around it's just depressing. I wish I didn't care.
Oh well, so anyway, it's still raining here and it's suppose to be shitty until Thursday which just makes this whole week worse because the weather is bad and I hate playing this carry your umbrella everywhere you go game and being cold all the time. I hate how the bottom of my pants get wet, and looking outside and not seeing the sun. THANKS HURRICANE FRANCES!
I think I've complained enough for one day... BUT, I'm still pondering this whole "ambiguous" thing. Maybe I'll figure it out. I'll let you know what's going on.
Monday, September 06, 2004
So I got a Team Unity Bracelet and I feel so school spirited it kind of hurts. Because my school is big into football and because we're frikin ACC this year (heck yeah) there's this cool thing they're doing that is suppose to promote better sportsmanship. I'm sure most, if not all of you have seen the Live Strong wristbands that raise money for cancer. If you've walked around campus, you'll see that EVERYONE has one and because they're so popular here, our school decided to make cheaper versions of these live strong bands and instead we have orange rubber bands (not that heavy duty stuff that the Live Strong ones are made out of) and they say Team United on them and they've been selling these all over campus and giving them to the other teams that we play which I think is a cool idea. And a damn smart fundraiser too.
I went to UVA on Friday (if you couldn't tell from the previous pictures). I went with Sarah and Matty. Sarah and I stayed with Nina and had a blast. We met up with Kenneth and saw the hypnotist and then went to see Jack's House play and then we kind of all split up. I basically hung out with Kenneth the rest of the night until Nina and Sarah came back from Phi Psi (an exclusive frat that's pretty hard to get in). Matty drove us back to Tech but Christi came along and Saturday night we all went to the crew house. I went to a Crew party at UVA once and it was awesome and it was pretty awesome here at Tech as well so I'm convinced that the Crew teams are awesome no matter where you go. I also met a random guy outside my dorm named Richard... apparently he goes by "Dick" - but anyway Dick said we have a Phi Psi here too and that it's uber exclusive. Exclusive as in... you have to be on "the list" to enter. So maybe it's just one of those things they do. Who knows. This weekend was one of the best weekends I've had since the summer - I think most of that was because I spent time at UVA...
This morning however, was the complete opposite of my weekend. It just downright sucked. It was cold this morning - like 50 degrees cold and it was raining and I had an 8am class. After that, I came back and studied for the Bio test I would have later and then went to Psyc where I forgot my analysis of the experiment that I had to read about, but luckily my teacher is amazing and let me e-mail it to her because I was freaking out about it. You guys know me. I'm OCD about stuff like this. Anyway, afterwards I took the Bio test which was okay - I could have studied a little more, got out... AND it was STILL raining and it was just cold for the rest of the day. I was in a pretty bad mood just because everything was just bad this morning and I was really tired too. Kenneth Imed me and asked if I was okay which was really nice of him and we talked about it and he made me feel better. Then, I went to dinner with Jane (one of my hallmates) and it was awesome because we talked for hours about almost everything and it was just really good to have someone to talk/relate to. Then the rest of the night I did homework. Matty fixed my computer earlier today which was good. Really good. And as of now, it's still REALLY cold... and it still kind of sucks. Tomorrow, I don't have class until 11 so I'm looking forward to sleeping in... hopefully it will be a better day. Hopefully.
Sunday, September 05, 2004
Calling You ~ Blue Moon
There's something that I can't quite explain.
I'm so in love with you, you'll never take that away.
And if I've said a hundred times before, expect a thousand more.
(You'll never take that away)
Well, expect me to be calling you to see if you're ok when I'm not around.
Asking if you love me,
I love the way you make it sound.
Calling you to see:Do I try too hard to make you smile? To make us smile?
Well I will keep calling you to see:
If you're sleeping, are you're dreaming?
If you're dreaming, are you dreaming of me?
I can't believe...you actually picked...me
I thought that the world had lost its way
(It's so hard sometimes)
Then I fell in love with you
(then came you)
and you took that way
(Its not so difficult. The world is not so difficult)
You take away the old, show me the new,
and I feel like I can fly when I stand next to you.S
o while I'm on this phone, a hundred miles from home
I take the words you gave, and send them back to you.
Saturday, September 04, 2004
Thursday, September 02, 2004
I want this shirt... via frenchconnection.com - If you're 18 or older or if this is your first election (as it is mine) please exercise one of your MOST important rights... it doesn't matter who you vote for whether you're a republican or democrat, just VOTE. Be a part of 20 million strong - OUR generation has a chance to change/shape the future and if we don't take advantage of it who will? Vote for what you believe in - vote for something... anything.
It's only been 2 weeks or so and I already miss D.C. - who would have thought? It's not like I went there on a daily basis or even a weekly basis... It's always been there and I (unlike many) was never too impressed with it, because I basically grew up, in, or around it and it was never too exciting - sure lots of good things happen there and there's lots to do, but once you've lived there you're whole life it's not too exciting. I want to go to Georgetown, I want to run down Constitution Avenue, act like a total tourist on Pennsylvania Avenue, go to the Black Cat on 14th street or even the 9:30 club. I just want to be there right now. And the irony of it is, it has been YEARS since I have gone to a museum because I've been there and done it all thousands of times it just seems boring to me. I guess you just don't know what you've got till it's gone - and it's so true. D.C. - I MISS YOU. I even miss the sleazy politicians, and the tragic lives of their interns... knowing that if they'd ever amount to something, they'd still be corrupt bastards. Sure it's sad to see them throwing their money around in Georgetown, knowing perfectly well that they are the most unhappy people in the States. I miss it, it's interesting to watch, just the socilization and the atmosophere, and how "everybody is somebody" - seeing the DC socialites, eating with them, going out with them, pitying them... I LOVE the politics of this city - explain that one to me? Before I left for college my friends and I started going out to D.C. a lot, more specifically Georgetown and I'd love to be able to do that again, soon, but Blacksburg and Christianburgs are certainly NO resonable substitutes for Georgetown and I never expected these towns to be - frankly, it's just really boring. There's nothing to do, sure there are parties, but even those get cliche after awhile. This all makes me wonder if I should have gone to George Washington University... but I'll have to say taht I do like it here a lot or more than I did before.