healing?

Sleepless nights. Nightmares. Wake up and feeling like everyday is April 16th. Not eating. I think PTSD has set in. It's getting really hard to deal with - I may be taking it a lot harder than everyone else - who knows. Nothing feels good right now. Nothing feels normal. I feel like I'm just going through the motions of the day just because that's the only thing I know to do. Everyday is a battle. I try to go out with friends and try to keep up with the schedule I had planned by going to Foxfield etc. None of these things made me feel better. Sure it was great to see old friends again, but at the end of the day, it's just me and my grief over this. The school paper released a memorial issue of the paper this past Monday with little bios on all the people we lost that day. I read everybody's story sobbing and just not really getting out of bed after that for awhile. A lot of my friends have been calling to check in just to see how I'm doing and as much as I appreciate what they are doing, it's very hard for me to explain to somebody who did not experience it how I'm coping and what it's like to go through this right now. I did muster up enough courage to visit Stack's stone the other day. My friend Lisa came back from her study abroad and drove straight to Tech. We stood at his stone and just cried. I was fixated on it because that's all there is left of him that is tangible. Walking away was so hard. I'm not ready to do it yet. We lost a lot of amazing people that day. Reading all their stories just makes it hurt so much more. None of them deserved this. Nobody deserves this. I'm finding it excrutiatingly hard to move on. I don't know when I will feel normal again, but right now, I'm just not ready to.