Beans = Spilled... I'm spilling the beans.
(Sorry, this is the world's worst title for a post)

I hung out with Christy today... did our usual coffee shop one on one. And in the realization cafe that is entirely our own, today we discovered that... though we worship the very ground that Conor Oberst walks on, he's probably a jerk... a very good looking jerk which makes it so much harder to come to terms with. I'm going to the concert with Drew next weekend so... I'll find out if he is and report back. We also praised his exceedingly controversial Leno appearance and decided that we loved him more for it and in otherwords... that pretty much means we're hopeless and at the mercy of Conor. "The one who loves most is at the mercy of the one who loves least..." Conor being the one that loves least, we're the ones at his mercy. Oh Derrick Brown how your poetry is universal. And I love him too... [of course in these terms, the word "love" is being used in the whored out kind of way - like the middle school I "love" boybands kind of way or even worse "luv" - gross.]

Sadly I have realized that I cannot take the word "love" seriously anymore. When somebody says it to me I can never really tell if they really mean it or are just using it in the same whored out way everybody else does. I think there needs to be replaced... don't get me wrong, people can still continue whoring it out, however for real love [whatever that may be] I think there needs to be another word such as loov or lovre or loveee (prounched lou-vee)... I don't know, I think right now I'm just humoring myself.

In the department of reality and real people that we actually talk to and are tangible, we pretty much realized that our lives are so ironically and creepily parallel and *drum roll please* it sucks. Not as far as friends and summer goes, but as far as boys and everything that goes along with them, in the past, in the present, in the near future. So basically we realized that our lives are just mirrors of one another and that there are people that we have to say goodbye to soon that we're just not ready to say goodbye to quite yet. Goodbyes aren't my forte and they certainly are not hers. And to cry in front of the opposite sex is a "no go" [and I really don't know why] however in the coming weeks it will be so inevitable for one or maybe both of us and knowing that, naturally doesn't make one very optimistic. Also, I brought up the subject of what has pretty much dominated the past few weeks of my life and ironically enough, Christy is going through the same thing right now [and we decided that we wouldn't wish it upon anyone to have to go through this] and that would be: the act of ending a relationship with someone without any resolve. Ugh, could there be anything worse? Of course there could be something worse - there always is, but right now at this exact moment, down to the second... there is nothing worse. I hate ending things on a bad note. Since when do I ever end on a bad note? Since a few weeks ago. There's a first time for everything right? I hate not being able to feel the least bit of closure. I think I'd rather walk away knowing that somebody hates me then not knowing how they feel at all. It just makes things awkward if you ever run into the person again, and it leaves things open to interpretation and over analyzation and that's the worst. Sigh... Third and last topic of discussion on this subject was how blind 90% of the male population is to anything going on around them. Let it be known that it is 2005 and the fact that females aren't supposed to be catalysts still stands firm today... it has NOT died as chilvalry has. Don't even get me started on courtship.

This makes me want to scream. quietly.

*Disclaimer: despite the fact that I have ranted to the 1.4 people that actually read this about how much Christy and I dislike the male species... the truth is we don't. And that's what makes it even worse. Though it would be so much eaiser just to hate all males, that's just not a possibility because people like Andrew McMahon still exist... granted in small numbers - but they do exist and serve as a beacon of hope to all the would have been hopeless females out there. Honestly, we don't hate males... I guess it's true "can't live with them, can't live without them..." also, we love [not in a whored out way] them. a lot. If we didn't, I wouldn't be ranting this much.

PS: I never ever post about my personal life in this much detail ever... so this is definately a first and most likely a last too... because I'm sure I'll regret this in the morning.